Afraid to Fail, Afraid to Succeed

I think about really random things when I take a bath. I guess it's the quiet and the solitude...and the lavender scent that brings my creative side out from underneath the mental chatter.

Procrastination. That's what I was thinking about today. Why writers procrastinate. And I came up with a number of frivolous things including:

1. Nothing to say
2. Fingers cramping
3. Pretty clouds out the window
4. Sleepy
5. Distracted by a book
6. Racing thoughts
7. Bored

Yeah, so none of these are great reasons. But you know what is? Fear. Fear of failure and fear of success. Which leaves you - guess what! - doing absolutely nothing.

I'm about 30 pages away from the end of the first edit of my manuscript. I avoid working on it for various reasons, but at the end of the day it all comes down to fear. Both of the fears I've mentioned above, although they each come out at different times.

When you think about fear of failure it's pretty easy to describe. Failure is very external and seems obvious. Maybe people will say you suck, or your book won't sell many copies, or you'll be laughed at by your peers, or you'll be labeled something or other based on your work.

But when you think about fear of success, it's different. It's less about others and more about you, making it perhaps even more scary that fear of failure. For me, fear of success looks like this:

• Will I get excited about what I created, and then ultimately be disappointed if/when failure comes down the line? 
• Will I not know what to do next now that I'm finished? 
• Will this be my one and only literary achievement, and will my dream stop there?

I used to procrastinate because of fear of failure. I never thought I was a good enough writer so I'd put it off as long as possible (that way I wouldn't have to stare at my failure on paper). But these days my craft is improving, I'm studying a lot, I'm reading a lot, I'm working hard. And now I've moved to the other side where I'm afraid of success and what it entails.

So let me ask you...have you ever found yourself afraid of one, or both? And do you find that it causes you to avoid your work? I think the whole point of this blog is to say that sometimes procrastination is a little bit deeper than just being distracted or bored or tired. And that maybe if you can identify those fears, you can work past them.

I Feel So Guilty!

...for working as a writer, that is.

Ok, well, sort of. I spent most of my career working as a technical writer before moving on to marketing work, instructional design, and even a stint as a public school teacher. But those were all corporate jobs (well, not the teaching, duh) and to be honest, they paid as such. I got paid well.

But I hated it.

Today I'm a freelance writer. And as I wrote in my last post about putting energy into your art, most of my writing energy goes to stuff that makes money for my family. And those often aren't things that light a fire in my creative mind (drywall, anyone?). But I don't hate it. In fact, I don't dislike it most of the time. And if we're going full out honest here, I enjoy it quite a bit. Especially as compared to my stuffy corporate jobs.

But let's also be honest in that I only make a fraction of the amount of money I used to make as a peon with a cubicle. And while I'm glad to make the trade, I also feel very guilty about it. Guilty about making my living as a writer. Guilty about spending time working on manuscripts that I love, but that don't contribute anything (yet) to our financial bottom line. Guilty about the hustle of going from one freelance project to the next and not really ever being sure of what's coming along.

But I've decided that I've just got to get over myself. I think as human beings we do way too many things out of guilt. Or obligation. Or societal pressure. And I don't think it's very good for our human spirits.

I often worry that I don't bring in enough bacon (hmm...tofu?). Which isn't the case if I pull out a spreadsheet and look at it with my objective mind. It's just that I'm comparing my world to an old version that no longer exists. And that I don't want. And that really, I run screaming from.

So what I need to do instead is put my energy into my work rather than into guilt. Because the only person making me feel guilty is myself, nobody else. And what a waste of time that is!

Putting Energy Into Art

Have you ever observed a really bad ass singer, let's say Michael Jackson, and noticed how much energy they put into their art? I was watching some of his old music videos today and really zoning into his expressions, his voice, his body language. And what I noticed (and probably have known all along) is that his absolute greatness, his bad ass-ness, comes from feeling.

As a writer, to me feeling is two things:

• A part of our emotions that requires paying attention to
• Absolutely necessary for art of any kind to emerge

Have you ever seen an actor who felt nothing in particular about their art? Sure, there are a handful of famous people who say acting is just a job. But there are more people who slaved for their art, gave everything up, worked their asses off for what they love, and hit rock bottom and still kept going.

I would venture to guess the I-don't-care people are more interested in money and fame than in art. In fact, I know so. Because I believe every artist is compelled to create due to a feeling of some kind - sometimes deep, sometimes shallow, but it's something.

And if feeling is part of our emotions, then I must argue that feeling has to have energy behind it. And furthermore, because I suppose I want to turn this blog into a persuasive essay tonight, I argue that our energy resources are finite. So we have to be very selective about the people and projects we give our energy to.

This is a really long way to say that if you want to be an artist, then you've got to make room in your life to devote energy to your art.

To infuse it. To saturate it. To embrace it. And you know what? I'm failing in this area.

My freelance business has taken off nicely after a lot of really hard work, which is helpful in keeping financial freak-outs to a minimum. But this also means I've gotten really busy. Which then means I spend almost all of my energy writing for other people. Which also means, you guessed it, I've stopped putting energy into my art.

And I know this because I ache to work on my personal projects. But at the end of the day all I can do is pick up a good book, take a walk, or snuggle with a loved one (human or furry). And then I dream of maybe working on my art tomorrow.

But I'm going to do something about it, by golly goose. Picture this with me (oooh ahhh): I wake up on Friday mornings, do my yoga, and plop down at my computer and look at my manuscript. Not a press release, not website content, not a user manual. But my manuscript. My art. I can give my feelings the energy they need to flow through my hands and onto the paper. On Fridays, if all goes according to plan, I won't give my writing energy away to anyone else.

The first step in making a change is identifying what the problem is. I think I've got mine identified. Step two? Planning a solution. Art Fridays...that's my solution. Now, to make it happen.

Do you give your art enough of your energy?

Finding Inspiration - The Beautiful, The Horrific, or The Mundane?

I saw this beautiful painting today by a woman I know, who coincidentally is also a yoga teacher. I'm hoping she'll allow me to purchase it from her to use as my book cover, but regardless...it inspires me.

That got me thinking about inspiration and where you find it. And also about how sometimes the inspiration is there but my brain isn't open to receiving it.

This painting has a face of a woman on it. And that face got me thinking about the woman in the painting, and the story behind the painting, and the colors. And where it all came from. Or where it all could come from. Or why it touches me the way it does.

And it's a good lesson for me today in learning to pay attention to things I think are beautiful. Because I think at the end of the day, as writers, we are inspired by three things - the beautiful, the horrific, and the mundane. Which sort of encompasses most of everyday life, but it's worth taking note of which of those three things inspire you the most.

I used to believe I was inspired by the horrific because I had so much personal experience with it. But these days, and today, I believe I'm inspired by beauty. In nature, in people, in animals, in art. Beauty gets my juices flowing.

What is it for you?

Finding Your Voice - And Living There

As writers we all have to find our voice. That thing inside of us that comes out when we write and that is authentic to our true selves. And I think many of us, myself included, struggle to identify what our true voice is. Especially if we have to transform our voice to fit the molds of other people and projects, as I have to do as a freelance writer.

But I've been spending some time thinking about my voice lately, and what it really is, and what it means to find it. And the interesting thing about finding your voice is that once you find it, you sort of have to stay there. I mean, you do if you want to express whatever it is that wants to come out of you in your writing. You can't do it by pretending to be someone else.

As a yoga practitioner and someone who constantly battles anxiety and depression, I have realized the importance of where I live. Meaning what I surround myself with - what I surround my mind with. Because these things have and will influence it in a profoundly deep way.

When I think about the types of books I want to write, I have to also think about the fact that in order to write those books, I have to live there. If I want to write a dramatic book that is about life's hardships or that has a lot of sorrow and loss, I have to live in a negative place to do it. How else can I write it?

And then I ask myself...can I really live in that place? Do I want to? And the answer is no, I don't think I can. Because I spend so much of my life trying to get away from that place. It's already here all of the time...I can't run away to it when I write. That doesn't seem very conducive to writing success.

And I think that as writers we need to think about how living with our true voice will make us feel. I think when we find our voice, and we decide to move on in and get comfortable, we feel peaceful and content. We maybe even feel happy. And I think for some people that means writing about negative things, or scary things, or sad things. That's their voice, so there is harmony.

For me, I think my voice is lighter. I like to joke around. I like to try to keep negativity at bay. I want to feel happy when I'm writing because I've lived enough sorrow in my own life - I don't need to add any more to it. Which brings me to this conundrum:

My next novel idea is formed in my head, but the thing is...can I live there? Will it make me happy to live there? To tell that story? And here is where I'm not sure.

So I ask myself instead:

What story will make me happy to tell?
What will get me excited?
How can I build on the positive momentum I have going in my life and continue to push away the negative?
How can I tell stories, convey deep emotions, teach the lessons I've learned, without losing myself in a dark cloud?

I think if my first book, An Offbeat Path Through Yoga, is any indicator, I've learned I need to live in the happy. This book definitely delves into some deep experiences of my life but there is a touch of humor about it that keeps me humming. I like humor. Humor means you smile, and when you smile chemicals in your body are released that can't help but chase away some of the gray.

When I think about how I want to feel when I write books, I have decided I want to smile. I want to enjoy it. I want to share what I know but in a way that makes me happy. I think An Offbeat Path Through Yoga is the closest to my true voice that I've ever been, and is perhaps why it's the only manuscript I've actually finished. These blog posts are often tinged in humor as well, and it hasn't escaped my notice. Paying attention to yourself and your tendencies is important!

So as I move forward as a writer and begin to follow my true calling, I want to remind myself to listen to my voice. To maybe move beyond all of the sad life experiences and create something fun. Happy. Joyful. Silly. Humorous. Because why not? I've had enough sad already, and happy just...makes me happy. It's my voice. It's me. And the only way I'm going to be able to fulfill my dreams as a writer is to follow it.

And I'll start by finishing my editing work so I can get my first book out the door! *kicks self in the ass* *rubs ass with grimace* *smiles at silly self*

A Writer's Routine

A couple of months ago I wrote a post that was almost-kind-of-sort-of about this topic. I entitled it "Eat, Surf the Net, Make Chai, Take a Walk, and Oh Yeah...Write" (you can read it here). It was about procrastination and the silly process artists go through to get their art out.

Well, this post is a little bit different. Today I was taking an afternoon break (ok, I took a nap - but before I drifted off into la la land I was actually doing some thinking) and I was examining my writing routine with regards to the time of day that I'm actually most productive. Because shouldn't us writers do our writing when we're most productive?

What I've figured out is that perhaps, as much as I've tried to deny it and turn my head away in disgust, I'm actually the most productive in the morning. Assuming I've had some decent sleep, of course.

Morning is the time of day when I have the best shot at being completely focused on what I'm doing. When I really sit down and think about it, I find that if clients cause a delay and I've lost the opportunity to do my morning work, I really have a difficult time reengaging in the afternoon. Sure, I do it (because I have bills to pay). But wow is it hard.

I was reading an article earlier today on BecomingMinimalist.com called "10 Unconventional Habits to Live Distraction-Less." One of the 10 habits it listed was learning to accept our own personal rhythms. "Accepting and understanding our natural rhythms to the day/week," it said, "Provides healthy motivation to remove distractions during our most productive parts of the day knowing there is opportunity later to indulge them."

So when I think back about that first blog post I wrote about procrastination...I started thinking about the days when I'm really productive. And on those days, I come out of the gate running. I'm moving and shaking. I eat breakfast, I do some quick checks, and I'm off. But then when I thought about the days I was absolutely positively (and very sadly) unproductive, it was those days where I got a late start or was tired, or otherwise couldn't set my work in motion during the first half of the morning.

And what else did I realize? That the period between lunch at about 3:00 p.m. is perhaps the very least productive time of day for me. Things get done during these hours, sure. But usually I prefer to work on in-progress projects or editing work. Trying to start a new writing project or get my creative juices flowing to solve a problem just doesn't happen during this time.

So what's my conclusion? That maybe I should cut myself some slack if I need to take a nap at 2:00 p.m. (which is what I did today). Isn't that why I became a freelance writer in the first place? To get out of a set daily schedule? To have the freedom to rest when I need to? To never have to do that pretend-to-be-busy thing that I had to do all of the time?

And I've also decided I need to honor my mornings. That means turning off IM, closing down my personal email, and avoiding surfing the net. That means letting myself do a quick check of social media and email, and then completely blocking contact with the outside world until late morning or lunchtime.

It's sort of like we talk about in yoga - single pointed focus. It makes you more productive and happier when you learn how to do it. And if this is my best time to achieve it, and to get the most bang for my buck, why have I been squandering it for so long? Life is such a great teacher. :)

Stress Stifles Creativity - Getting Back on Track

It's been a while since I've blogged, or written anything personal for that matter! And I've been aware of it and yet simultaneously unable to do anything about it. I came across a quote today on the American Psychology Association website that says:

"'Stress is a well-known creativity killer,' says psychologist Robert Epstein, PhD."

Indeed.

I asked my counselor long ago if stress would hurt my ability to write. Her response? Absolutely! She said that being under stress causes things to happen in the brain that actually block the creative process completely. And it's something I've remembered as I've plugged along in life. Yes, stress stifles creativity.

The last few months have been about me being in survival mode. I had to put off finishing my book because I didn't have the financial means to get it edited and I needed to write things that would pay the bills now. I was struggling to make ends meet, to keep my freelance business going, and to tend to my husband and his completely broken ankle. I also got slapped with an expensive bill for two new tires, followed by some maintenance work on my car. And on top of that, both of my cats were sick and some surprise vet bills jumped into the mix.

And if you know me, you know that if my cats ain't happy, I ain't happy.

So I think during this time I became a survivalist instead of a dreamer or a writer or an artist. And that meant I also felt pretty depressed and lost. And I questioned myself and what I was doing, and wondered whether I'd made the wrong choices in life. But as we all know, life presents us with challenges to help us grow or to teach us lessons.

So as I write this blog, I recognize it as my heartfelt attempt to get back on track. To return to being a writer, and a dreamer. To return to sanity! To remember why I do what I do, what I want out of life, and where that "thing" is that I can't seem to find (it's inside of me).

This morning I got up early (like, butt crack of dawn early), I went outside, and I did a yoga practice in the dark on my patio. By the time I was finished the sun was coming up. And I felt calmer, and ready to focus on my work for the morning. I'm hopeful that I can carry the momentum forward as I continue to process stress and life and everything that comes with it. And that I can continue to try to find that happiness that exists within me...that light...the thing that lets me write to begin with.

So here's to getting back on track. Both for me, and for anyone else struggling to find their way through the scribbles and crashes and screams that make up this thing we call life.