Settling Into Metaphors (of Life)

Sometimes I think about metaphors to describe how my life feels. Hamster wheel comes to mind. Groundhog day. Broken record.

It sounds a little depressing when I read it, but sometimes it's just reality and you have to embrace it. Because fighting it and wishing for what was, or what could be, is even worse. So instead you own that reality until you can come up with a better strategy.

I saw my longtime counselor yesterday. And I'm not ashamed to say that I go to counseling, because I think it's never shameful to say that you help yourself. And during this particular session I bemoaned my hamster-like existence. My feelings of being stuck, of wasting my life, of not living my purpose or of even finding one, because I'm stuck in my current reality.

And after congratulating me for being improved enough health wise to even care about a life purpose, she reminded me that right now, what I need to focus on is getting well. The end. Nothing more. So I'm trying to do that today.

I got up after another rough night and I approached my day from a different mindset. And that meant that today I wasn't stuck, or wasting my life, or miserable. Today I was doing what I needed to do to pay for the things I need to pay for to get well. That's all.

And when I looked at it like that, some of the gray lifted. Some of the despair dried up. And that's probably what's allowing me to sit here and write something this evening. Which is what I always seem to want to do, but can never seem to achieve.

I know that my writing doesn't happen when I'm depressed, unless I'm just vomiting my emotions into the world (I've tried not to do that since I left my twenties behind). But non-depression doesn't happen when I'm sick chronically. I've sure tried. How do you wake up with a positive mindset when you've been in pain and are fatigued? Again? (hamster wheel)

So my task lately has been to navigate what I have in front of me without feeling like I'm losing something in the rearview mirror. Or missing out on something. Or taking a wrong turn. I mean, I still write sometimes don't I? I'm doing it right now.

I tell myself that one of these days I'll be able to get the things done that I want to do. I hesitate to say that, because it's not usually effective to fall into the "if only" trap. The "if only I had this, then I would feel this" thing. Because life doesn't really work that way most of the time.

Except maybe it does when you're in a situation like I'm in. Maybe I can say, with confidence, if I had my health then I would have more happiness. I would write more. I would do more. I would achieve more.

Yeah. Maybe.

But for now I'm not going to think about that, because I have getting well to tend to. For now I'll settle into my metaphors and just keep trying to find the light. And jet off to the beach for my birthday, to breathe in some peace.

Edit: Trip cancelled at the last minute. I guess I'm still on the hamster wheel.