Cure For Writer's Block? Major Illness!

I've been sick for the last seven weeks, I've had two surgeries, and I've often found myself huddled in a black corner of my mind crying tears into a brown wooden bucket. It has sucked. But during that time something interesting happened: I found a cure for my writer's block.

Now I wouldn't recommend this cure for everyone. Because who wants to be sliced open multiple times, not be able to eat, not be able to move, and otherwise not be able to live any semblance of a normal life? But I think there are some lessons to be learned from the experience.

When you're going through a major illness and, as I so eloquently stated last week, you feel like you've "been hacked apart with an axe and stapled back together," you start to have some interesting conversations with yourself. They go something like this:

• "What if I don't get better?"
• "What if I don't live as long as I thought I would? What if I don't get as far as I thought I'd get?"
• "How could I be going along just fine and suddenly find myself bedridden and unable to live my life?"
• "Why am I so chicken shit about my writing? Or about anything, for that matter?"
• "I need to stop wasting time. I have wasted too much time."
• "Am I living the life I want to live? I'm close, but is close good enough?"

This is sort of what happened to me. It finally sunk in that I'm not in control of my existence on planet earth - I could be yanked out of it whenever the puppeteer decides my act is over. But what I can control is my performance while I'm here. What I can control is how much I let fear dictate my actions. And what I can control is what I decide to do with my time.

I wrote a lot in my twenties about how I felt like I had "stuff" (books, writing, whatever) inside of me, but that everything was stuck behind a three foot thick cement wall. I'd felt some cracks over the last 10 years - I mean I did finally finish a draft of a book - but nothing had truly shifted. I still didn't see myself able to formulate anything fictional that was worth reading.

But when I got so sick, that big cement wall fell through the floor. For the first time in my life I got out of my own way. Because it turns out, the cement wall is me. My mind. My fears. And I was just too tired and beaten down to be able to think or fear or...get in my own way.

In the middle of the night one night, about three weeks after my first surgery, I came up with a new character. I typed out the opening prose in the Notepad app on my iPhone, in the pitch black of my bedroom at 3:30 in the morning. When I read it the next day I was pretty happy with it. And excited. Because she felt real. She was interesting. She was going to have a story to tell, although I still don't know what that story is yet. But I can't wait to try to tell it.

As I continue to try to heal and get back to normal, I'm thankful for my new perspective on life. I don't want to spend energy criticizing myself, fearing things that may or may not happen, and stifling my writing ability. I know now that I don't have time to waste. And yes, we are all aware of this most of the time. But we really don't take it seriously until something serious happens. You know?

I'm Still Editing, But I'm Ready to Write!

Editing is a whole different ballgame than writing. Yes, it's technically the same thing - you write when you edit because you move stuff around, delete words, craft new sentences, etc. But editing comes from a totally different mindset than your initial draft.

When you're writing the initial draft your creativity is driving the train. You get to lose yourself in your mind, your words, your world. Which is not to say that you don't do this when you edit, too. But editing means writing while examining a world you already created, looking at it from a place that is separate.

When you are editing you act more like a critical reader than a writer. And when the copy still needs work, this process gets tiring after a while! So you put it down and go read a book that has already been edited, just so that you can rest your brain.

Now this predicament I'm in (being tired of editing) is really my own fault. I've let the editing process drag out for months because I just didn't have the mental energy to plow through it after a day of freelance work. I do think that if I was writing books for a living, I could maul that manuscript in about a month. But let's step back from that disturbing imagery (yeah, I'm tired of editing, I'm picturing a pit bull) and into reality.

The reality is that I'm on page 197 out of 287, and the last 10 pages or so have yet to be transcribed into the computer. And some of those pages need some rework, so I'm still about 100 pages out. And my due date is December 15.

But I have to have another surgery in eight days. And I'm still recovering from the first surgery. And my gallbladder is shot, which means parts of my day are shot from time to time because of pain. Oh, and did I mention I got a cold that lasted for 10 days and now I'm on antibiotics?

So it's sort of my fault, but then sort of not. I do have to eat and I do have to pay these atrocious medical bills, and that means that I have to focus on freelance writing most of the time. But I still strive to do more and to make more progress in my "aspiring author" endeavors.

I'm learning something really important about my writing self, too. I'm learning that dragging out the editing process makes me impatient. It makes me ready to get it done with and ready to move on to the next project. Which really isn't surprising because I get this way with my freelance work as I'm nearing completion.

I started reading a writing book today called "Bird by Bird," which talks about how so many aspiring authors focus on the publishing part of things. "I just want to get published!" "If I get published, I'll feel awesome and so accomplished!" But, she says, really the publishing part is not where the goods are. It won't bring you the fuzzy feelings you think it will bring you. Instead, she says, the writing process is where you get those feelings you are searching for.

As I was slugging and slashing through text tonight, I thought to myself, "I totally see this. I get it. She's so right." Because while I'm extremely excited to publish my work and to hopefully make some money, and of course my biggest dream is to be successful in my personal writing endeavors, I'm more excited about moving on to my next book.

That means writing again. Getting back into that immersion thing. Seeing where my imagination or my fingertips might take me next.

So yes, I could be transferring manuscript edits to my computer right now. But instead I came here to write a blog because I just needed to be in a world of creation again. I needed to immerse myself in my head and see what comes out. I'm so ready to write!

But I do need to finish my editing first.

One Edit Is Not Enough

Today I reached a milestone: I finished my first full edit/rewrite of my book. The words that I might use to describe this moment are:

• gleeful
• exciting
• satisfying
• happy
• proud
• giddy

I also sorta think I'm a total badass. But I think anyone who finishes their first full edit of a 67,500 page book might feel like quite the badass. The only thing that made me feel like more of a badass was when I finished the first draft.

So I've ridden the wave of that feeling for the entire afternoon. I'm still feeling giddy and happy and all those other words I mentioned above. But I'm also aware that I still have a long way to go.

I think a big mistake a lot of writers make is believing that one edit is enough. Unless you're doing stream of consciousness writing with the goal of vomiting on the page without regard to readability, everything you write needs to be edited - and everything needs to be edited more than once.

I like to think of the first round of edits as the "glaring problems cleanup round." When you do your first edit, you catch stuff like:

• Totally incoherent sentences
• Grammatical oopsies
• Glaring flow problems
• Big story/plot inconsistencies
• Readability problems
• Pacing problems

The first edit is, I think, the most work. Because you're taking what may have been stream of consciousness writing and making it into something that makes sense and is worth reading.

So pat yourself on the back when you get through your first edit. But don't consider your work ready to publish.

I think most writing needs at least two or three rounds of edits to be worth reading, and I think four or five rounds is even better. Everything I write (including these blog posts) goes through no less than three rounds of edits before it's released to the world. I shudder to think about my first drafts. Sometimes they're awesome, but more often they're lacking in multiple ways. And you won't spot them all on the first round.

So to all my fellow writers out there, resist the temptation to say "I'm finished!" when you've completed your first round of edits. Give it at least one more round, or two, before you call it ready. And then...well, it's still not done. Then it goes to a professional editor. ;)

On Again, Off Again Passions

I'm wondering today if you can have a passion that is on again, off again. You know, like one of those unhealthy romantic things that most of us find ourselves tangled up in at some point. Except that this on again, off again relationship lasts a lifetime.

I feel like my writing is sort of a flighty, wishy washy, unpredictable sort of passion. But then it really isn't I guess. I'm a writer by profession. I wonder if I wasn't a writer by profession, would I be a passionate writer by night? Like, totally committed? Ten thousand percent? Can't get enough of it?

I often tell myself in my frustrated moments that you can only be passionate about something that you are completely obsessed with. But then I think, that's probably not true or realistic.

What I really think, I think (you get that?), is that there are three kinds of people in the world:

• The people who are completely engrossed by a single passion in both their career and in their personal lives
• The people who are completely engrossed by a single passion in their spare time
• The people who have on again, off again relationships with a single passion or perhaps multiple ones

There are a number of prolific writers out there. I think if I had enough to say, I'd certainly be one. I mean I've pumped out several of these blogs this week no problem. They generally take me less than 10 minutes to write when I've actually got something I want to say.

But I also see writers, and artists, who come in and out of the spotlight. Who go years or decades in between producing something new.

Maybe I'm one of those?

Or maybe I'm trying to make sense out of something that doesn't make any sense, just to make myself feel better about being a wishy washy sort of writer. One who has bursts of creativity followed by a long silence that gets covered up by books and tv and gardening.

I don't know. What do you think?

Finding the Right Kind of Busy

I've had some interesting things to say this week about my busy schedule. And I'll continue it with the following statement:

Being too busy kills dreams.

That might sound a bit harsh, but the reality is that if you want to achieve your dreams, you've got to figure out how to be the right kind of busy.

I'll take one sentence and give you a bunch of fill-in-the-blank answers. All of these answers are dream killers. Here it is:

Spending too much time _______ will keep you from achieving your dreams.

• chasing money
• working
• watching TV
• scrolling Facebook
• sleeping
• doing things you don't enjoy

Society as a whole is way too busy - we all know that. But not everyone is busy to the detriment of their dreams.

What are you doing with your time? Is what you are doing a stepping stone to your goals or is it a hamster wheel?

Here are the questions I've been asking myself lately, and maybe you can ask yourself these questions too:

• Am I too focused on making money?
• Do I work too many hours at my job?
• Am I making time to pursue the things I dream of pursuing?
• Do I have plans for where I'm going next?
• Am I using my free time well?
• Do I have any bad habits that are keeping me from progressing towards my dreams?

I'd be interested to hear how others answer these questions. Here are my answers:

• Yes. I initially was focused on earning money for future goals, and somewhere along the line it shifted to just earning money.
• Yes. I'm working too many hours at my job.
• Sort of. But sort of not.
• I used-ta-did. I abandoned said plans due to crazy work schedule.
• No. I'm working myself to the point of exhaustion.
• Yes. I need to work on my confidence, get up earlier, and stop scrolling social media.

The first step to positive change is figuring out where you're at in your life. The next step is figuring out how to move to where you want to go.

First step, check!

Having Confidence as a Writer

Today is one of those "I can't focus at all, I mean at all, I mean totally at all (continue this to infinity)" kind of days. And there are multiple reasons for this:

1. I didn't sleep last night. Brains don't work very well without sleep, do they?
2. It's a Monday. Need I say more?
3. I'm reevaluating. And by that I mean reevaluating how I'm spending my time. 
4. I live with cats. They are oh so cute, and I love to snuggle them at random times throughout the day.
5. It's First Monday and I'm excited. The first Monday of the month I meet my friend Bill for dinner, and we have a grande ole time.

I haven't touched my book manuscript in months, and I waffle around why that is. I think, as I touched on in my last post, I've just been busy busy busy. And when you're busy busy busy, it's hard to write write write. Well, let me amend this statement.

It's hard to write if you're not obsessed with writing. And I'm not obsessed with writing. I love it, but I'm not obsessed with it. At least not all the time.

For me, writing is more like an on-again, off-again relationship. I write in spurts, I produce stuff in waves. I experience fleeting moments of brilliance that quickly flit away into the atmosphere from which they came. See that? That was one. I think. Right? Surely!

But I do sometimes wonder how much of this behavior is attributed to a deep down lack of confidence.

Every artist struggles with feeling like they are good enough. I've written about it before, and I'm sure if you want to scroll through my posts you'll find it quickly enough. But artists (and I hesitate to even call myself one - how's that for lack of confidence?) always want to produce something great. Nobody wants to be a mediocre artist, do they? I mean, does anyone really want to be a mediocre anything at the end of the day?

And with that comes fear of failure, and fear of mediocrity, and fear of just not measuring up. Or of just not being that artist you thought you were or that you set out to be.

Then all of a sudden I'll be thumbing through a magazine and see a promotion for a recently published book. And it's a book with a story that sounds, to me, absolutely cliche or terribly laughable or painfully unrealistic. And yet...wait for it...

Somebody published it.

So um, why can't I do that? Why do I spend so much of my precious energy fearing failure and worrying about being good enough when - clearly - there are plenty of people who are "good enough" to get published? And why do I think this way when I'm a professional writer by day, and perhaps actually have a good shot at producing something good?

These are my Monday musings as I pitter patter around my house, and as I look at my author website (which needs to be redone - oh, technology, you imploded on yourself). And as I look at my workload, which needs to be better managed so I can have time for the things that matter to me.

And let's not forget that little manuscript file here on my computer that is screaming at me. You know what it's saying? "Work on me, you stupid human. I've been sitting here for months."

I'm Itching, Itching!

I have about 10 minutes to write this in between client work. Because a computer program decided to break (this is what they do best, right?). Huzzah for a breather!

So let's get to the point. I'm itching, y'all. Itching! I was trying to see if ITCHING would go along with the Mickey Mouse song so we could all sing it out loud together. But it won't, so I'll move on. I'm itching to write again.

The trouble is that I've been struggling to find the brainpower to write anything at all after working such long hours. Ok, *cough*, let's be honest...I haven't written anything in a long while. It looks like my last blog post in here was in March of this year.

Eek!

I think I'm the type of writer who needs breaks sometimes. And occasionally, very long breaks (months). But then I come back and I'm ready to go. Ready to pump out words. Ready to make it flow.

And right now I'm itching so much that I'm taking a measly 10 minutes to drum my keys frantically and write about how much I'm itching to write.

Ok so we're at about the two minute mark. That leaves me about three more minutes to say anything else I want to say before I need to spend the last five minutes editing.

Here are my other random thoughts:

• The title of my book needs to change. I don't know what it's going to be yet, but it's going to change. It ain't workin' for me anymore.
• The new medication I have to take makes my brain mush sometimes. It's hard to find the right words on occasion when I talk. I'm hoping this doesn't translate to my writing. That would be a tragedy. Although I think I shall survive.
• My freelance business is exceptionally successful, although I'm probably spending less than 50% of my time writing these days. Which is good and bad. Good because writing is exhausting. Bad because either way, I'm tired.

So there you have it. I think I have satisfied my itch for now.

But only for now.

Stay tuned, because I'm going to make a spectacular comeback, an exceptional return, an awesome re-entry! Ok, that's a bit of a hyperbole. I'll be back...soon...I hope. :)

Now, time to edit.