On Always Knowing I'd Be a Writer

A lot of times people will ask this question: "Did you always know that's what you wanted to do?" It's a popular question that people ask to just about everyone: to a doctor, a lawyer, a computer programmer, a chef, or...a writer.

I think some of us know so concretely what we want to do with our lives that we have a path blazed clearly in front of us. And we know which way to go from the time we're in middle school, or even earlier for those lucky few.

Well, that wasn't me.

I had a different experience entirely. I would see little hints here and there, sort of like fireflies floating around and shining some light every now and then. But there was never a clear path; I just went along chasing the fireflies and somehow ended up where I was supposed to be.

If you would have asked me what my dream job was when I was 8 years old, I'd have told you I wanted to be a veterinarian or a dancer on Broadway. But then you'd have also seen me playing on the typewriter, because I just loved the way the keys stamped letters on paper.

And then at 10 you would have seen me at our new word processor, clumsily trying to type up a story about my black cat named Poodie. Or at 12 you'd have found me writing in my journal about my latest crush or what happened at school that day.

And when I wasn't doing those things, you'd have found me in my bedroom stretched out on my stomach, my elbows propped up, reading the next Nancy Drew book.

Over the course of my college years I would start to notice that I loved writing. I hated doing the research, but I loved sitting down to write. And it came out so easily once I knew what I wanted to say.

As I wrote in my corporate life during my twenties, I became aware of a silent longing to be a novelist. But I also remember distinctly knowing that it wasn't going to happen right now. Right now everything was behind a three foot cement wall, and wasn't accessible, and I didn't know why. I just knew that that's the way that it was.

But I also felt sure that one day the wall would crack, and then crumble, and then everything inside of me would gush forward and land on a page. And I think that's where I'm finally arriving in my life right now.

So I guess you could say that I always knew I wanted to be a writer, whether I was conscious of it or not. All of the reading, the feeble attempts at writing stories, the journaling that I did without anyone to model it after, the choosing of English as my major, my career as a corporate writer, and my quiet longings to become a published author...

I always knew I'd be a writer. And here I am, writing, and it feels awesome.