Being Pushed the Right Direction

I've had a lot of time to contemplate my life as of late. I've spent it curled up in the fetal position either crying or trying to rest, depending on the moment. And since sometimes I struggle to do both of those things, it leaves a lot of time for mulling and analyzing to fill in the space.

I've now got about two weeks left of gainful employment before I depart into the great unknown. I've been trying since June to find a new gig and that hasn't happened. I've also been trying to make my current gig work for me, and that hasn't happened either. Eventually my body gave out and I had to raise a big red Stop sign and resign, which was simultaneously a relief (I was tired of what I was doing) and a major source of frustration (why can't I even work anymore?).

But I didn't hit a wall, despite outward appearances and logical perception. Instead I feel like I'm being pushed in the proper direction, simply because my own attempts to alter my life course have been futile thus far.

Not having a job and also not having the ability to do much else means that for the first time ever, I'm going to be focused solely on creative work. I don't even have the energy to freak out about finances anymore or to worry about the future, which is weird and concerning and somewhat liberating. It feels like a nice break from the crap of life.

I don't think I would have gotten where I am without a whole lot of nudging. Often times when we ask ourselves why certain things happen, it's easy to get lost in a field and not be able to discern anything except the immediate problem. But sometimes we gain perspective, like a camera flying above, and we can start to see that we aren't really lost at all. We're just learning how to make our way, with each hardship or struggle being one small nudge.

Or perhaps one large kick in the behind.

I don't have tons to say in this post and my head is starting to hurt, so I'll call it good for now. I think I got my point across. One day, I'm going to make something of all this. Perhaps 2018 is my year. But I'm taking it one step at a time, one day at a time, and I don't care about the future anymore. It's officially out of my control (as if it ever was in my control) and I'm ready to be pushed whichever way I'm meant to go.