Letting Go

I've been fantastically unproductive lately. And I'm ok with that, because I'm moving to a new phase in my life and transitions, I think, can be inherently crazy (because of all the different gears turning) or unusually blank (because you've left something behind and haven't yet moved on to the next thing).

My transition is unusually blank, I guess. I haven't started my next life chapter and I'm wrapping up the one I was in, so I'm sitting idle in a sort of "senioritis" mindset where my body is at my desk but my brain is somewhere far away. I'm also waiting on some medical stuff this week and that's a whole lot of blank space too, where you're just passing the time as best you can and wondering what happens when those results are handed over.

Writing aside (I'll get to that in a minute), this blank space has been good thinking and emotional processing space, although really I've been doing this for the last year or two. I'm becoming better in tune with what serves me and what doesn't, what harms me and what nourishes me, what adds to my life and what takes from it. And with that knowledge is an ability to start making decisions about what I want and what I don't, and what maybe used to work for me but doesn't anymore.

I'm starting to let go of more and more things that don't serve me as I sit in this blank time in my life. Letting go of my job was the catalyst, and probably the biggest one yet. But sometimes you have to let go of people, too, if you find that those people are no longer a positive force in your existence. That one can be harder to do.

I'm also letting go of the need to know what is coming next in my life. It's uncomfortable and anxiety-provoking; I like to know what's down the road even if I don't like what I see. But I've found that relinquishing this need is fantastically freeing. It allows me to live in the present and appreciate my life as it is, to see the good parts even when things aren't going exactly the way that I want. I don't have to fret about what comes next.

This is not to say that I have lost my ability to hope or that I've decided the future is so grim I'd rather not think about it. Rather, I've lost my ability to worry needlessly about things that haven't happened yet. At least for this pause in my life.

So now we'll get to the writing part. As if in contradiction to everything I've just said above, I caught myself wondering the other day what the hell I was going to do when I finished the book I was working on. Would I ever have another good idea that I could follow through with? What would it be? Could I keep on and make something of this vocation?

And then (to reign things back in) I gave myself some harsh words about the futility of worrying about things that haven't happened yet. That writing is no different than the rest of my life. And I proceeded to give myself a strong argument that went like this: I wasn't worrying about the book I'm currently working on while I was writing other manuscripts that are now gathering dust. So what's the point? There is none. It's wasted energy. Let it go.

Resigning yourself to what is, and making decisions about only the things that are in front of you, can be enormously helpful. You realize you do have power to change your immediate world even if you can't change what comes next. You can distance yourself from things and people and jobs that cause you pain and, even if you don't know where you're going next, you can relish in the newfound peace that you have created by choosing to be in the now.

That's where I am today. I'm feeling more peaceful after a rough few weeks, at least for today and hopefully until I get through this week. Although...a three-minute voicemail from a good friend helped pull me out of my hole and back onto firm ground. As did the support of a number of people who have lifted me up when I can no longer do so myself.

I'm grateful for everything I'm learning on this journey and I hope it all makes it into my writing. Sooner rather than later.