Today I Wrote Crap

I wrote crap today - a big wad of crap that I should probably throw into the nearest dumpster. And I was feeling pretty bad about it so I decided to come over here and mull over the experience instead. Because apparently I can't write things if I'm not feeling them. And I'm surely feeling this right now.

I'd had a pretty unproductive day because my health was acting up, I was frustrated by my writing business, and I'm still waiting on the green light to start the ghostwriting project that was supposed to breathe meaning back into my days. I kept wanting to sit down to write some essays, but I had to finish other paid work first. Because I picked up another $200 worth of medical supplies this afternoon and those things don't pay for themselves.

By the time I finally got to a place where I could focus on my own writing, I was frustrated and beaten down by the day and by my life. I wasn't feeling it. I wasn't feeling anything, except that I wanted to do something that would make me feel productive and like I'd accomplished something today. So I did what the books always tell you to do...I sat down and forced myself to write.

And forced, it was.

I sputtered for a good hour, piling 1500 words upon themselves that didn't seem to mean much or resonate in any way. It didn't help that halfway through my efforts, I suddenly saw a construction worker outside my window. I say this as someone who lives on the fourth floor of a building. Looking out and seeing a random dude suddenly rising up from nowhere is startling. Talk about a distraction!

It also didn't help that for the entirety of his flotation, he was yelling all the way down to the street below, presumably to his colleagues. And it was in Spanish. Which is ok, I used to be fluent in Spanish so it doesn't sound (to me) like random sounds clashing against each other. But it was annoying nonetheless.

And then...then!...he went to paint my balcony. Right where my tomatoes live (the ones I EAT) and also where my pretty folding table makes its home (the one I eat ON). So I got up, ran, poked my head out the door - only to find he was already done and floating along. Following the beat of his Spanish shouting to the street below.

So I should have known then that nothing was going to work. The flow of whatever I might have been trying to create had been interrupted so many times that it just went dry. But I tried, and tried, and tried to turn what I was working on into something readable before I threw up my hands and decided it was crap. I shut it down. And then I went to mope on the sofa.

When you're going through hard times and really want to do something (like, you know, have the energy to cook a meal), you get really discouraged by the smallest things. My doctor said I had adrenal fatigue and I know this contributes. Like, she made me spit into a tube over the course of a day, measured out all my brain chemicals, said she was surprised I was even functioning, and sent me on the health journey I've been on for almost two years. I know things are still bad because I got so frustrated by one episode of crap today.

But now I can feel better because this post has come out rather easily, so I know it's not crap. At least I can believe it's not crap - I honestly don't care what anyone else thinks anymore. I used to. Even a year ago, I cared. But I don't now. Wisdom? Or stupidity?

I will say that part of what pulled me out of my funk was seeing a hummingbird on my patio. I've always felt like something special was happening in the universe when one of those shows up in the middle of the city. Maybe it's silly, but it makes me happy to believe it might be true. Just when I was wallowing at my lowest point, perusing my food journal to see what could have possibly caused my health issues this time, there it was. Buzzing along, sucking nectar from all the flowers I'm trying hard to keep alive in the hot July sun. And I did smile. Hummingbirds are my favorite.

Sometimes you just need that thing to snap you out of it. And if you write crap, ok. At least you wrote. I've got to learn to be more ok with failing if I'm ever going to succeed. But I think the universe is teaching me that lesson right now, because I sure am failing a lot.