Writing Ruminations. Buddhist Philosophy. Growing a Business Sucks.

So it's been a busy week. I decided to write and by golly, I did write. I wrote almost 5000 words of stuff that I'm not quite sure what to do with.

But this time around I'm just writing without a plan. I'm writing what comes to me. I'm writing what I feel like writing. I figure at some point down the line I can pick it apart and see if there are any trends or themes or if something starts to gel. But in the meantime I'm determined to not think too much about it. Because that's like drinking poison or jumping off a bridge.

In fact, I'm here writing now just because I feel like it. Because I'm feeling overwhelmed by my day job and yet underwhelmed at the same time. Growing a business is really hard. Dealing with clients who are rude or who won't respond is really hard. Trying to find people who are willing to pay more than slave wages is exhausting. And wondering if you're ever going to be anything beyond what you currently are (which is not what you originally intended to be) is a constant source of anxiety.

Sometimes I want to give up all of it and seek purpose elsewhere. Giving up sure is the easy choice some days, but giving up never got anybody anywhere. Unless you've tried for so long and failed for so long that maybe it's time to take your talents in a new direction.

I'm actually really proud of some of the positive mental steps I've taken lately to get myself back in the game. To start creating again and to start finding career meaning where it had dried up. And also to start striving for more than what has landed in my lap, because while it did sustain me during my illnesses, ultimately it has not turned out to be very satisfying. And the sad part is I know this, and I've known it for probably 1 1/2 years. I was just too sick to devote any energy to caring.

I don't have a point with this blog post today except to ruminate over my current happenings and to try to find some sort of motivation to keep on with the keepin' on. Currently, I'm enjoying working on my personal writing efforts much more than I'm enjoying the constant failure that is growing a business. Sometimes I need some wins. Honestly, I really need some wins.

But they always say the best things in life don't come easily. So if that's the case, then I shouldn't give up just yet. I'll keep doing what I'm doing and hope that something meaningful comes out of it all at the end. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't supposed to be here, right?

I was reading a Buddhist magazine last night called Lion's Roar, and it's really my first big intro to Buddhist philosophy aside from the plodding I've been doing the last couple of weeks through the Dhammapada. And what I like about the philosophy is that it helps you to be content with wherever you are. No matter how crappy things seem, you can learn to find peace and contentment anyway.

I'm definitely going to put it into practice in my life, in my career, and in my creative efforts, and see what comes of that perspective. Maybe I can learn to be happy with what is, even on days where I feel like a burning wad of trash. Maybe even if I write crap, that's ok. Maybe if I have no new clients, that's ok too. I'll sit over here and smile in contentment, knowing that all is well in the world.

That's the goal anyway.