I went to see my counselor today (I'm not ashamed to say I see a counselor when I need to). Ain't nuthin' wrong with helpin' yo-self! We talked about a number of things, of course, but one of those things was my writing.
I'm about 95% of the way through my final edits and rewrites on my book. But I stopped. I told my editor I couldn't go the rest of the way, and then I went and hung my head in shame, slid the old print copies of the manuscript into the recycle bin, and closed the files on my computer for a while.
I was convinced that I was just too afraid to continue. I mean, now that I was so close to the finish line, what if I failed? What if I was no good? What if I splatted on my face in front of all of humanity? But I don't think that's what's going on, really. And it was my counselor and my editor who both helped me to figure this out.
I was told to prioritize my life, to write down the things that are most important to me right now and to see what the top five are. And the idea was that if I did that, I might find that the book was just not as high up on the priority list as I would want it to be, or expect it to be, or hope it would be. And that was ok. It was just a list, and the list would change.
And this was step one. Because the truth was, when I thought about that list, it was true. I was struggling with my health after my two surgeries (that was priority #1). I was overwhelmed by work (priority #2). I was suffocating in general (priorities 3 through 10). And I had nothing left to devote to my writing.
So I decided it would be ok to let the book be, because it wasn't high enough on the list. I also decided I would quit my yoga teaching gig, because it was subtracting happiness from my life rather than adding it. And then I breathed a sigh of relief at having let steam out of the pressure cooker and I moved on.
But I was disappointed, for sure. And questioning whether or not I really wanted to be a writer. I sure am flaky, aren't I? I describe myself as someone who works at a slow toil. Maybe I should say glacial toil.
And then my counselor said to me, "Anyone would be afraid to put a piece of themselves out there. That's natural. But the truth is that when the time is right, you'll overcome it and move forward anyway. Take a break, but don't stop writing." Or something like that. She always says the best stuff.
The point I was to remember was that fear is not what's stopping me from completing my book. I'm just taking a break. I'm taking a break because I have a lot going on. And taking a break is ok.
Taking a break is ok.
And here I am writing again. I guess because I feel less like a coward and more like a writer who is just taking a break, which kind of sparked my creativity again. I suppose it was the nudge I needed. We'll see how far the nudge takes me.
