You Can Never Have Too Much Writing...Er, I Don't Think?

I must be crazy, because I just started another blog. And not this blog that you see before you, no. A different blog in a totally different place. A blog on my shiny new yoga website (www.elizabethhaynesyoga.com) that I created yesterday, since I finally realized I'm ready to get back into teaching.

Sometimes I ask myself, "Self, hey you...yes you. Pay attention. Say, self, do you think you can have too much writing in your life?"

I go through periods where I can't seem to get enough of it. Like right now. Where I want to write about anything and everything that crosses my mind as important. Or reach out to people through the internet by turning my words into gestures, or hugs, or waves. Or just birth a new writing project because it feels awesome to create something new (like a new blog).

And then I have moments where I just want to run and hide in the corner, curling my legs up under my fuzzy blanket and hunching down over a good book. Maybe fiction this time, to get away from reality. To enter into a colorful (or colorless) new world and explore the minds of made up characters.

I suppose it's ok to have too much writing sometimes as long as you like what you're writing about. And as long as you're inspired. Because then, honestly, it doesn't take all that long to write down whatever it is you have to say. It's like picking up a pen and watching its ink flow out - smoothly, without any hiccups, without getting clogged, without running low. And then you lift your pen off the page and find a cohesive "something" sitting before you.

Pen, lifted.

And then you move on to the next thing.

Finding Time to Write When You're Already Writing All the Time

Every writer and writing book and writing class and writing group (you get the idea) will talk about how important it is to make time to write. Which is true. And yet, here is my argument:

How do you make time to write when you're already writing every single day? 

Now in my situation, I'm not writing for me. I'm writing for clients, for businesses, for work. Not for my personal projects. I haven't worked on my book manuscript in weeks. And I've only worked on it a handful of times in the last two months.

So I'm back to my dilemma: How do you find time to write when you're already writing all the time? 

And let's just assume (well, because it's true) that I'm not someone who can write for 8 hours a day. Or even 6, much of the time. My brain just can't do it. By the time I've squeezed out every last drop of copy for my clients I'm ready to shut it down. I want to do something else with my brain cells. You know, surf...or read...or stare blankly at the wall. Ok, I only do that last one sometimes.

I'm going to have to strike a balance at some point though, because at this rate I'm growing my business like crazy (yahoo! success!) but I'm losing my ability to work on the things that are really important to me from a "dreams" perspective. But then, a lot of times it doesn't feel like a bad trade-off. I really love my job. I love writing for people. I love learning about a whole lot of different things. No week is ever the same.

I love that.

I also really like being able to pay my bills. And I'm finally at a point where my income is comfortable. And in order for it to stay that way, well..I have to work.

So maybe it's just not time to make time for writing when I'm writing all the time. Not yet. Did you catch that? That's my attempt at a tongue twister. I digress.

Maybe once I'm chugging along for a while and feel confident that my client list won't evaporate in two months' time (because let's face it, it's an unpredictable business), I'll be able to cut back to only those projects I really want to work on. And that can free me up for Art Fridays like I've been talking about doing.

Yeah. Good plan.

When An Existing Author Already Has Your Name

So I got married this year, and my name changed to Elizabeth Haynes. And I was really excited about publishing a book under that name, since I intend for this name to stick with me for the rest of my life! (Not to mention I was tired of my ex-husband's last name.) And then I found a problem: there is already an Elizabeth Haynes. And she is a writer.

Doh.

So I went through a writer's identity crisis, a series of phases really. And since I know you want to read what they were, here they are in a nice bullet format:

• Phase 1: Elizabeth Haynes only has a couple of books out, maybe I can just keep my name and it won't matter.
• Phase 2: I don't really want to be confused with Elizabeth Haynes, the crime novel writer. Maybe I should write under a pseudonym. I could use my grandmother's middle name, perhaps.
• Phase 3: Ok, I can't be someone I'm not. What about a pen name? Christine Haynes (based on my middle name)? No. That's just not me. How about E. C. Haynes?
• Phase 4: I'm writing under the name E. C. Haynes, and that's what it'll be! I've got a website now, and I've branded myself. Done!
• Phase 5: What if I write for magazines and want to promote my book? What if I never write fiction? It's sure looking that way. I want to use my real name.
• Phase 6: Wow, Elizabeth Haynes has gotten pretty famous all of a sudden. I can Google her and I'm nowhere to be found. Meanwhile, her face is everywhere. Hmmm.
• Phase 7: What do I do? Let me Google it. Hmm...other people have simply added their middle initial. I'll do that.
• Phase 8: Nope, that's not going to work. Time to wipe out my first name, add an initial, and use my middle name. Done!

I think it's a tough situation when you're a writer and someone else is already famous under your name. After all, if anyone searches for the freelance writer "Elizabeth Haynes" they surely won't find me. And that's a darn pity, isn't it?

And so I've now rebranded everything to say "E. Christine Haynes." Do I wish I was the only Elizabeth Haynes writing stuff? Yes! But that's not how the world works. So welcome to existence, writer E. Christine Haynes. It's nice to know you.

Non-Fiction is Writing, Too!

So here's the deal. After my last blog post, which was a somewhat distraught rendition of a writer in distress (read it here), I've decided I wasn't altogether incorrect in that my dream was wrong. But I wasn't altogether correct, either.

The thing is that yes, I'm a writer. And I remember a couple of years ago that I decided I was just going to be a non-fiction writer. Because that's what I liked and that's what I was good at.

But then, you know, you see your friends writing fiction. And you read lots of awesome fiction novels. And you're in awe, and want to create worlds like that. And you start to think, this is where the art is. This is where the cool stuff is. This is where I want to be.

And so what do you do? You make it your dream to be a novelist even though you'd already decided a while back that it wasn't your forte. And here, my friends, is where I went wrong.

The truth is that me, Elizabeth Haynes, the writer, really likes writing non-fiction. And I was perhaps a little ashamed of that inclination, feeling like it was a step down from the "real" writers of the world. Because as I bemoaned in my last post, the "real" writers are often said to be the ones who create mystical worlds of living characters who have never breathed real air and yet somehow come alive.

Well, I've decided that I'm silly. Non-fiction is "real" writing, too.

Yesterday I got two see two new magazine clips of mine, both of them cover stories that I'd written and that were just published. And both were, well, journalism. Which is non-fiction. Which is telling stories - just like fiction - except that the people are real. And I was really proud of my work.

So I scratch my chin and say to myself, I think that maybe I like journalism. I was talking to my husband about it last night and I suddenly realized that telling real stories is just as valid as telling fake ones. What's wrong with that? Who made me the authority on what is art and what isn't? Why does art always have to be fake? Isn't photography real?

And to be honest, if I want to dissect everything a bit more (I do), I tell stories all the time in my writing. I tell businesses' stories, I tell success stories, I tell product stories, I tell biographical stories. I write people's resumes to tell their career stories. I do tell stories, just not in the fiction sense.

So yes, I will keep writing. And yes, I still want to be a writer. I think I just got a little off track for a bit. Derailed. Runaway train sort of thing. Because that's what happens when I derail - everything snow balls and I lay on the floor in ball of wadded up emotion. Ok well it wasn't that dramatic, but it did cause me to lose a bit of sleep.

And now that I've gotten this all out of my brain, I'll go exercise a little bit. And get back to work. My freelance work! Which I absolutely love. Every non-fiction bit of it.

Sometimes What You Think Is Your Dream, Isn't

I love reading fiction, but I find time and again that I can't write it. And it's something that's really bothering me, I think, because as a society we seem to believe that the "real" writers are the fiction writers. They're the artists. They're the creative ones.

And when the only real dream I've had is to be a writer, it can be disheartening to feel like you can't do the thing you dream of doing. And on occasion it's also depressing, and carries me to a place where I want to wave my white flag and say:

"You know what? I just don't have a story inside of me. I love words, I love writing. I love hearing people's stories. But I don't ache to write. I don't live to write. I don't breathe words and sentences. I won't die if I don't write. In fact, I like a lot of other things too - like photography, cooking, yoga, dance, gardening, knitting. Maybe I'm just not a 'real' writer."

I asked my best friend last week, "What's my one thing? You know, that thing that's 'me' and that encompasses who I am the most?"

And she said, "Writer, duh." And then she added, "Oh and cats."

And I guess that's true when you've been a professional writer for over 10 years. That's your thing. Here I am writing this blog post, and not for money, but because I have something to say.

But I'm not writing a fiction story.

So yes, I'm mildly frustrated with myself today. I want to be a writer. I want to be a creative. I want to be an artist. But the truth is I just don't have any made-up stories to tell. I look into my brain and there are a few disjointed thoughts, a handful of random characters, and perhaps a setting or two. But that's it. There's nothing there that forms a story.

I have started a novel this year for the second time. And I'm four chapters in. And I'm thinking maybe I'll get through it slowly...like one of those writers who writes a book for 10 years before they're finished. But in the meantime, aside from freelancing, what dream can I hang my hat on? This writer feels a little lost today.

Afterthought:

Reading what I wrote, talking to my husband, turning everything over in my head. Pausing. Thinking.

Well, here's the thing. Maybe what I thought was my dream just isn't. Maybe it's ok that I really enjoy freelance writing. And maybe I've dreamed of being an author because I'm good at writing, and not because it's really my dream.

Maybe, just maybe, I've got to examine whether writing books is really my purpose, or if it's just something that I wish was my purpose.

In fact, maybe my purpose is something else entirely. I've been asking myself lately (because I read this question in a magazine), What does the world need? What's the one thing? And my answer is: self-esteem/self love. The author of the article claimed the answer to that question would bring you closer to your purpose.

It's time to open my brain again. To start exploring. To realize that I've read a lot of books on the craft of writing, that I've tried to write fiction, and that it just doesn't come naturally to me. What does come naturally? Blog posts like this one. My writing work that I do for businesses. Non-fiction or opinion pieces. Non-profit work.

And so I begin my journey anew.

I will finish my memoir, An Offbeat Path Through Yoga, because it came naturally to me. And I will continue to work as a freelance writer, because I can't think of a more awesome way to make a living. And in my spare time? I'll start exploring other things that I've loved in my life. One of those is photography. Maybe there's something in there that I'm missing.

Writing is Easy, Being a Writer is Hard

The hardest part about being a writer is making yourself sit down to write. The second hardest part is spending hour after hour, day after day, with nobody but yourself and your coffee (or in my case, chai). The third hardest part...well I could go on and on, but at the very end of the list would be the actual writing.

Yeah, I know it sounds weird. But as someone who spends most of her days writing (albeit freelance writing, and not the writing I'd like to do for novels, etc.) I can testify that the writing part - once you get going - is really the easiest part of the whole thing. It's not easy. It's never easy! But it's the easiest part.

I've read stories about writers time and again who have the worst time just sitting down and actually writing. It's not that the person dreads writing or hates doing it. It's that somehow getting from bed to computer is an insurmountable obstacle, like there is a big, snowy mountain rising up between you and your work. And you've got to climb up and over that same mountain every single day.

Now once I can actually climb over the mountain and make myself sit down and do my writing, usually I find that it flows. And I love it. And I'm lost. And by god don't interrupt me. But I can't for the life of me understand why it's so hard to just get myself there.

The other part of being a writer that's hard? Being alone. A lot. And it's not like I'm uncomfortable with myself or anything. In fact I'm probably more comfortable being alone than many people I know.

But writing is by definition an absolutely solitary pursuit. Just like I'm doing right now. I'm here with my computer and my brain and nothing else - there is no conversation, no interaction, no other human being taking part in the work. And even though my husband is at home right now, he can't be here, where I am.

They say a lot of writers are prone to depression, but then it's sort of like the chicken and the egg isn't it? Did the depression push the person into a life of writing? Or did the writing bring down a curtain of depression? Sometimes I think it's a little bit of both. Although for me the depression came first.

So no, it's not the writing part that's hard. It's being a writer that's hard. Dedicating your life to creating words and shaping scattered thoughts into cohesive works of art. To sitting in front of your computer and tapping away in silence. To living day in and day out with nobody but yourself.

Sure, writing is not inherently easy to do. Anyone who says writing is easy is a very silly soul. It's not. But compared to being a writer? Piece of cake.

Why I'm Choosing to Go Indie

So I'm about six months away from publishing my first book, which is amazingly exciting! But there was a long process I went through to decide to self-publish when I'm done. Because on one hand, I craved the validation that comes with being traditionally published by a big house. The prestige, if you will. The visibility. The earning potential.

But then I relented, I pulled back. Because at the end of the day I don't want a publishing house to take control of my art. So I decided to go indie.

Now this isn't to say that I'm not open to feedback and changes. Not at all. But I think a lot about Hollywood, the media, and what the powerful people say "sells." And at the end of the day I believe publishing houses will publish what they believe sells. If your work isn't quite what they feel will sell, they will want to change it so that (in their mind) it will.

That's just the way it works. It's business.

Well I decided that I don't want to risk a Hollywood bastardization of my work, if you will. I don't want to be just another zombie story, or just another romance novel, or just another drug ridden family, or whatever genre slot they want to put me into. Because you do have to fit into a slot in order to be published by a traditional house.

It's sort of like the movies...are you a romantic comedy? An action film? Sci-fi? Drama? Oh wait, you're a mixture? You're something new? I'm sorry, we don't want your work.

Well, I don't want to be that writer. I want to make whatever it is that I make. I want an editor, who has experience with the craft, to tell me where my stories are falling short and how I can improve them. And to tell me what needs changing. I don't want a publisher trying to mold my work into their cookie cutter slots.

My great uncle, Bob St. John, has written several books. And I remember his publisher used to ask him to write sex scenes into his stories because they said it would sell better. And he refused to do it. And this was back in the 1980s.

I can only imagine what the publishers want to see now.

I want my art to be me. And I don't feel confident that in today's market, I can be me going a traditional route. Not until I've proven myself capable on my own, and that my work stands on its own, and will sell on its own, and that it doesn't need to be "tweaked" to fit Hollywood or the media.

So this, in short, is why I'm choosing to go indie. But of course it's not the only reason. Dwindling advances and changing pressures on the author have a lot to do with it too.

Is self-publishing ideal? No, not yet. I realize I won't get seen in most bookstores and libraries. I also realize it's going to be hard to be taken seriously amid the trash heap of books that probably should have stayed in the writer's computer. Or at least been edited before being thrown out to the masses.

But I also realize that I'm determined, that I'm a good writer, and that I have solid business sense. And really, what's the point of living if you don't hang your balls (er, boobs?) out there and just go for what you want? This is want I want. I want to be me. I want to create books that are mine.

So I will go indie.

Writers Learn From Other Writers

I was listening to a radio show on NPR a couple of weeks ago and the guest was talking about how nothing is really original. Everyone learns from a teacher, and that teacher learned from a teacher, and so on and so forth. And in this way everything we do, say, produce, create...it's all just recycled. Just in different ways.

And if that's the truth (which I believe it is), then what better way to find a new way to recycle words than to learn from other writers?

I've become a true bookworm as my world has settled down and I've gotten into a rhythm of married life, impending middle age (is 34 middle aged? I'll be turning 34 next month), and just the ebbs and flows of getting older. Everything is more quiet, more subdued. I'm a long way removed from the days of mixed drinks and late nights at the club.

And I've noticed that the more I read, the more I revert back to the analytical mindset of my college days. As an English major we were trained to scrutinize words, phrases, tone, theme. To read between the lines. And as an aspiring author, and one who is taking that aspiration seriously at this point in her life, I'm learning to pay more attention to the things writers do well along with the things they do poorly.

Which presents an interesting conundrum for me. Because I want to relax when I read and get swept into the story, where my living room turns to static and eventually fades away completely. But it's just in those moments that I pull myself out and ask, "Why?"

If you want to be a writer, you must first be a reader. I truly believe that. Writing is a craft that needs to be practiced, and in order to learn what works well and what doesn't, you simply have to read other books. As many books as you can. That way you can fish out the gems and also learn to identify the stinkers. And determine what, exactly, makes the word/scene/character/book such a stinker (so you don't repeat it yourself).

Every once in a while I'll come across someone who says they want to be a writer but yet they never read and they never pick up a pencil (or tap on a computer keyboard except to post on Facebook). I think that's a recipe for certain failure. How can you write if you don't read?

When I think about having a hobby, I can honestly say my hobby is reading. Sure, I love to cook. I love yoga. I love dancing. I love gardening. But my biggest hobby is reading. It's what I choose to do with most of my spare time when I have it available. If you're a writer, is reading your hobby? Or is it an afterthought?

Finding the Right Word

In my opinion, the most fun (and most challenging) part about writing is finding the exact word to convey the intricacies of whatever it is you're talking about. I love this part!

Consider this little example I wrote up in about 30 seconds:

• The waiter slid a plate of baby greens and radicchio onto the table. She picked at it, scratching her head.
• The waiter threw a plate of lettuce onto the table. He stomped off, she scowled.

They feel different, don't they? They sound different. They are different. And yet they are both talking about a salad, a waiter, and a patron.

When you read the examples above:

• One salad is appetizing, one is a sorry excuse.
• One waiter is polite, another is exceptionally rude.
• One patron is puzzled, another one is disgusted.
• One atmosphere is pleasant, the other is hostile.

And all of these things come from simple word choice. That's it. Isn't it grand?

I spent many years as a technical writer and I still do it on occasion. But it's so much less interesting to me because there are only so many ways to tell a user to click a button, or select a menu item, or scroll down a page. And so eventually I moved into marketing communications, where word choice matters. Where the very slightest changes in word selection alter the tone, style, and overall effectiveness of a piece. And now that I'm getting into book writing, I'm finding that the challenge is the same.

One of the reasons not everyone can be a writer is because not everyone takes the time to carefully choose their words. This is why we edit...and edit, and edit, and edit. To get that perfect sequence of words that conveys exactly the feeling, scene, emotion, scent, whatever that we're looking for. I think it's a task that not many people are up to, because it takes a whole lot of work. And a whole lot of time.

I was editing a client's website copy yesterday and it took me an hour to edit three paragraphs. And it's not because I suck at what I do! On the contrary, it's because I'm good at what I do. Editing is so very important. So if you're a writer who doesn't edit, please start now! Finding the right word for every scene or description rarely comes on the first try. It takes trial and error, sometimes a thesaurus, and sometimes a walk around the block before you find what you're looking for.

But oh, how much more powerful it is when you get it right!

Afraid to Fail, Afraid to Succeed

I think about really random things when I take a bath. I guess it's the quiet and the solitude...and the lavender scent that brings my creative side out from underneath the mental chatter.

Procrastination. That's what I was thinking about today. Why writers procrastinate. And I came up with a number of frivolous things including:

1. Nothing to say
2. Fingers cramping
3. Pretty clouds out the window
4. Sleepy
5. Distracted by a book
6. Racing thoughts
7. Bored

Yeah, so none of these are great reasons. But you know what is? Fear. Fear of failure and fear of success. Which leaves you - guess what! - doing absolutely nothing.

I'm about 30 pages away from the end of the first edit of my manuscript. I avoid working on it for various reasons, but at the end of the day it all comes down to fear. Both of the fears I've mentioned above, although they each come out at different times.

When you think about fear of failure it's pretty easy to describe. Failure is very external and seems obvious. Maybe people will say you suck, or your book won't sell many copies, or you'll be laughed at by your peers, or you'll be labeled something or other based on your work.

But when you think about fear of success, it's different. It's less about others and more about you, making it perhaps even more scary that fear of failure. For me, fear of success looks like this:

• Will I get excited about what I created, and then ultimately be disappointed if/when failure comes down the line? 
• Will I not know what to do next now that I'm finished? 
• Will this be my one and only literary achievement, and will my dream stop there?

I used to procrastinate because of fear of failure. I never thought I was a good enough writer so I'd put it off as long as possible (that way I wouldn't have to stare at my failure on paper). But these days my craft is improving, I'm studying a lot, I'm reading a lot, I'm working hard. And now I've moved to the other side where I'm afraid of success and what it entails.

So let me ask you...have you ever found yourself afraid of one, or both? And do you find that it causes you to avoid your work? I think the whole point of this blog is to say that sometimes procrastination is a little bit deeper than just being distracted or bored or tired. And that maybe if you can identify those fears, you can work past them.

I Feel So Guilty!

...for working as a writer, that is.

Ok, well, sort of. I spent most of my career working as a technical writer before moving on to marketing work, instructional design, and even a stint as a public school teacher. But those were all corporate jobs (well, not the teaching, duh) and to be honest, they paid as such. I got paid well.

But I hated it.

Today I'm a freelance writer. And as I wrote in my last post about putting energy into your art, most of my writing energy goes to stuff that makes money for my family. And those often aren't things that light a fire in my creative mind (drywall, anyone?). But I don't hate it. In fact, I don't dislike it most of the time. And if we're going full out honest here, I enjoy it quite a bit. Especially as compared to my stuffy corporate jobs.

But let's also be honest in that I only make a fraction of the amount of money I used to make as a peon with a cubicle. And while I'm glad to make the trade, I also feel very guilty about it. Guilty about making my living as a writer. Guilty about spending time working on manuscripts that I love, but that don't contribute anything (yet) to our financial bottom line. Guilty about the hustle of going from one freelance project to the next and not really ever being sure of what's coming along.

But I've decided that I've just got to get over myself. I think as human beings we do way too many things out of guilt. Or obligation. Or societal pressure. And I don't think it's very good for our human spirits.

I often worry that I don't bring in enough bacon (hmm...tofu?). Which isn't the case if I pull out a spreadsheet and look at it with my objective mind. It's just that I'm comparing my world to an old version that no longer exists. And that I don't want. And that really, I run screaming from.

So what I need to do instead is put my energy into my work rather than into guilt. Because the only person making me feel guilty is myself, nobody else. And what a waste of time that is!

Putting Energy Into Art

Have you ever observed a really bad ass singer, let's say Michael Jackson, and noticed how much energy they put into their art? I was watching some of his old music videos today and really zoning into his expressions, his voice, his body language. And what I noticed (and probably have known all along) is that his absolute greatness, his bad ass-ness, comes from feeling.

As a writer, to me feeling is two things:

• A part of our emotions that requires paying attention to
• Absolutely necessary for art of any kind to emerge

Have you ever seen an actor who felt nothing in particular about their art? Sure, there are a handful of famous people who say acting is just a job. But there are more people who slaved for their art, gave everything up, worked their asses off for what they love, and hit rock bottom and still kept going.

I would venture to guess the I-don't-care people are more interested in money and fame than in art. In fact, I know so. Because I believe every artist is compelled to create due to a feeling of some kind - sometimes deep, sometimes shallow, but it's something.

And if feeling is part of our emotions, then I must argue that feeling has to have energy behind it. And furthermore, because I suppose I want to turn this blog into a persuasive essay tonight, I argue that our energy resources are finite. So we have to be very selective about the people and projects we give our energy to.

This is a really long way to say that if you want to be an artist, then you've got to make room in your life to devote energy to your art.

To infuse it. To saturate it. To embrace it. And you know what? I'm failing in this area.

My freelance business has taken off nicely after a lot of really hard work, which is helpful in keeping financial freak-outs to a minimum. But this also means I've gotten really busy. Which then means I spend almost all of my energy writing for other people. Which also means, you guessed it, I've stopped putting energy into my art.

And I know this because I ache to work on my personal projects. But at the end of the day all I can do is pick up a good book, take a walk, or snuggle with a loved one (human or furry). And then I dream of maybe working on my art tomorrow.

But I'm going to do something about it, by golly goose. Picture this with me (oooh ahhh): I wake up on Friday mornings, do my yoga, and plop down at my computer and look at my manuscript. Not a press release, not website content, not a user manual. But my manuscript. My art. I can give my feelings the energy they need to flow through my hands and onto the paper. On Fridays, if all goes according to plan, I won't give my writing energy away to anyone else.

The first step in making a change is identifying what the problem is. I think I've got mine identified. Step two? Planning a solution. Art Fridays...that's my solution. Now, to make it happen.

Do you give your art enough of your energy?

Finding Inspiration - The Beautiful, The Horrific, or The Mundane?

I saw this beautiful painting today by a woman I know, who coincidentally is also a yoga teacher. I'm hoping she'll allow me to purchase it from her to use as my book cover, but regardless...it inspires me.

That got me thinking about inspiration and where you find it. And also about how sometimes the inspiration is there but my brain isn't open to receiving it.

This painting has a face of a woman on it. And that face got me thinking about the woman in the painting, and the story behind the painting, and the colors. And where it all came from. Or where it all could come from. Or why it touches me the way it does.

And it's a good lesson for me today in learning to pay attention to things I think are beautiful. Because I think at the end of the day, as writers, we are inspired by three things - the beautiful, the horrific, and the mundane. Which sort of encompasses most of everyday life, but it's worth taking note of which of those three things inspire you the most.

I used to believe I was inspired by the horrific because I had so much personal experience with it. But these days, and today, I believe I'm inspired by beauty. In nature, in people, in animals, in art. Beauty gets my juices flowing.

What is it for you?

Finding Your Voice - And Living There

As writers we all have to find our voice. That thing inside of us that comes out when we write and that is authentic to our true selves. And I think many of us, myself included, struggle to identify what our true voice is. Especially if we have to transform our voice to fit the molds of other people and projects, as I have to do as a freelance writer.

But I've been spending some time thinking about my voice lately, and what it really is, and what it means to find it. And the interesting thing about finding your voice is that once you find it, you sort of have to stay there. I mean, you do if you want to express whatever it is that wants to come out of you in your writing. You can't do it by pretending to be someone else.

As a yoga practitioner and someone who constantly battles anxiety and depression, I have realized the importance of where I live. Meaning what I surround myself with - what I surround my mind with. Because these things have and will influence it in a profoundly deep way.

When I think about the types of books I want to write, I have to also think about the fact that in order to write those books, I have to live there. If I want to write a dramatic book that is about life's hardships or that has a lot of sorrow and loss, I have to live in a negative place to do it. How else can I write it?

And then I ask myself...can I really live in that place? Do I want to? And the answer is no, I don't think I can. Because I spend so much of my life trying to get away from that place. It's already here all of the time...I can't run away to it when I write. That doesn't seem very conducive to writing success.

And I think that as writers we need to think about how living with our true voice will make us feel. I think when we find our voice, and we decide to move on in and get comfortable, we feel peaceful and content. We maybe even feel happy. And I think for some people that means writing about negative things, or scary things, or sad things. That's their voice, so there is harmony.

For me, I think my voice is lighter. I like to joke around. I like to try to keep negativity at bay. I want to feel happy when I'm writing because I've lived enough sorrow in my own life - I don't need to add any more to it. Which brings me to this conundrum:

My next novel idea is formed in my head, but the thing is...can I live there? Will it make me happy to live there? To tell that story? And here is where I'm not sure.

So I ask myself instead:

What story will make me happy to tell?
What will get me excited?
How can I build on the positive momentum I have going in my life and continue to push away the negative?
How can I tell stories, convey deep emotions, teach the lessons I've learned, without losing myself in a dark cloud?

I think if my first book, An Offbeat Path Through Yoga, is any indicator, I've learned I need to live in the happy. This book definitely delves into some deep experiences of my life but there is a touch of humor about it that keeps me humming. I like humor. Humor means you smile, and when you smile chemicals in your body are released that can't help but chase away some of the gray.

When I think about how I want to feel when I write books, I have decided I want to smile. I want to enjoy it. I want to share what I know but in a way that makes me happy. I think An Offbeat Path Through Yoga is the closest to my true voice that I've ever been, and is perhaps why it's the only manuscript I've actually finished. These blog posts are often tinged in humor as well, and it hasn't escaped my notice. Paying attention to yourself and your tendencies is important!

So as I move forward as a writer and begin to follow my true calling, I want to remind myself to listen to my voice. To maybe move beyond all of the sad life experiences and create something fun. Happy. Joyful. Silly. Humorous. Because why not? I've had enough sad already, and happy just...makes me happy. It's my voice. It's me. And the only way I'm going to be able to fulfill my dreams as a writer is to follow it.

And I'll start by finishing my editing work so I can get my first book out the door! *kicks self in the ass* *rubs ass with grimace* *smiles at silly self*

A Writer's Routine

A couple of months ago I wrote a post that was almost-kind-of-sort-of about this topic. I entitled it "Eat, Surf the Net, Make Chai, Take a Walk, and Oh Yeah...Write" (you can read it here). It was about procrastination and the silly process artists go through to get their art out.

Well, this post is a little bit different. Today I was taking an afternoon break (ok, I took a nap - but before I drifted off into la la land I was actually doing some thinking) and I was examining my writing routine with regards to the time of day that I'm actually most productive. Because shouldn't us writers do our writing when we're most productive?

What I've figured out is that perhaps, as much as I've tried to deny it and turn my head away in disgust, I'm actually the most productive in the morning. Assuming I've had some decent sleep, of course.

Morning is the time of day when I have the best shot at being completely focused on what I'm doing. When I really sit down and think about it, I find that if clients cause a delay and I've lost the opportunity to do my morning work, I really have a difficult time reengaging in the afternoon. Sure, I do it (because I have bills to pay). But wow is it hard.

I was reading an article earlier today on BecomingMinimalist.com called "10 Unconventional Habits to Live Distraction-Less." One of the 10 habits it listed was learning to accept our own personal rhythms. "Accepting and understanding our natural rhythms to the day/week," it said, "Provides healthy motivation to remove distractions during our most productive parts of the day knowing there is opportunity later to indulge them."

So when I think back about that first blog post I wrote about procrastination...I started thinking about the days when I'm really productive. And on those days, I come out of the gate running. I'm moving and shaking. I eat breakfast, I do some quick checks, and I'm off. But then when I thought about the days I was absolutely positively (and very sadly) unproductive, it was those days where I got a late start or was tired, or otherwise couldn't set my work in motion during the first half of the morning.

And what else did I realize? That the period between lunch at about 3:00 p.m. is perhaps the very least productive time of day for me. Things get done during these hours, sure. But usually I prefer to work on in-progress projects or editing work. Trying to start a new writing project or get my creative juices flowing to solve a problem just doesn't happen during this time.

So what's my conclusion? That maybe I should cut myself some slack if I need to take a nap at 2:00 p.m. (which is what I did today). Isn't that why I became a freelance writer in the first place? To get out of a set daily schedule? To have the freedom to rest when I need to? To never have to do that pretend-to-be-busy thing that I had to do all of the time?

And I've also decided I need to honor my mornings. That means turning off IM, closing down my personal email, and avoiding surfing the net. That means letting myself do a quick check of social media and email, and then completely blocking contact with the outside world until late morning or lunchtime.

It's sort of like we talk about in yoga - single pointed focus. It makes you more productive and happier when you learn how to do it. And if this is my best time to achieve it, and to get the most bang for my buck, why have I been squandering it for so long? Life is such a great teacher. :)

Stress Stifles Creativity - Getting Back on Track

It's been a while since I've blogged, or written anything personal for that matter! And I've been aware of it and yet simultaneously unable to do anything about it. I came across a quote today on the American Psychology Association website that says:

"'Stress is a well-known creativity killer,' says psychologist Robert Epstein, PhD."

Indeed.

I asked my counselor long ago if stress would hurt my ability to write. Her response? Absolutely! She said that being under stress causes things to happen in the brain that actually block the creative process completely. And it's something I've remembered as I've plugged along in life. Yes, stress stifles creativity.

The last few months have been about me being in survival mode. I had to put off finishing my book because I didn't have the financial means to get it edited and I needed to write things that would pay the bills now. I was struggling to make ends meet, to keep my freelance business going, and to tend to my husband and his completely broken ankle. I also got slapped with an expensive bill for two new tires, followed by some maintenance work on my car. And on top of that, both of my cats were sick and some surprise vet bills jumped into the mix.

And if you know me, you know that if my cats ain't happy, I ain't happy.

So I think during this time I became a survivalist instead of a dreamer or a writer or an artist. And that meant I also felt pretty depressed and lost. And I questioned myself and what I was doing, and wondered whether I'd made the wrong choices in life. But as we all know, life presents us with challenges to help us grow or to teach us lessons.

So as I write this blog, I recognize it as my heartfelt attempt to get back on track. To return to being a writer, and a dreamer. To return to sanity! To remember why I do what I do, what I want out of life, and where that "thing" is that I can't seem to find (it's inside of me).

This morning I got up early (like, butt crack of dawn early), I went outside, and I did a yoga practice in the dark on my patio. By the time I was finished the sun was coming up. And I felt calmer, and ready to focus on my work for the morning. I'm hopeful that I can carry the momentum forward as I continue to process stress and life and everything that comes with it. And that I can continue to try to find that happiness that exists within me...that light...the thing that lets me write to begin with.

So here's to getting back on track. Both for me, and for anyone else struggling to find their way through the scribbles and crashes and screams that make up this thing we call life.

Writing Overload???!

So I'm writing this post as a breather, of sorts. I haven't posted anything here for a week or two and it's because I'm on writing overload! Which begs the question: how much writing can writers handle?

In addition to not blogging, I also haven't edited my book in four or five days. And it's because I haven't had the mental stamina after a very busy freelance week. And I suppose I'm a little disappointed in myself. Bah.

But then I turn it around and go, well, should I really be disappointed? I'm churning out thousands of words every day - they just don't happen to be for my book. So maybe I need to turn that frown upside down Charlie Brown. Awesome rhyme. I digress.

Yes, writing overload is possible. And I'm very close to my edge, but I also need to pay bills. So that means I've got to face the overload head on and just git 'er dun. That was really bad Texas slang. Ignore that.

Tomorrow I'll be devoting a chunk of my day to editing my book. I've had this on the calendar for a while, and I'm determined to still make it happen. I'm 75 percent done now and I can't lose the momentum. Plus, I've only got a month and a half to finish!

I think I'm going to need more caffeine (except my doctor took away my caffeine...pesky details).

Surrendering To Your Story

Yesterday I was thinking about the different story ideas I'm juggling, and the novels I currently have in progress, and I came to the conclusion that sometimes the story you want to tell just doesn't want to be told (and then we find ourselves in writer's block). And conversely, that the story you don't necessarily want to focus on is actually screaming to be written (otherwise known as schizophrenic writer syndrome).

And what I've decided is that you've just got to surrender to the story - to the story, that is, that must be told.

I had a really fabulous novel idea a few years ago and I actually have about 20k words written already. I was pumping the words out so fast that I wrote those 20k words in about three weeks. But then it sort of sputtered, and stopped, and I simply couldn't make it go any further. And even though I saw the potential for greatness, I just couldn't create a story. I still can't create a story.

And as much as I want to write that story, it doesn't seem to want to be told. At least not right now. But what does seem to want to be told is a new story idea that I have. One that started with an image of a homeless man at a soup kitchen that sort of jumped into my vision years ago. It's for my next novel, The Man In The Suit.

This story doesn't have the entertainment value of the first story that I was trying to craft. It also doesn't have any mystical elements woven into it or the thrill of a Paris backdrop. But it's prodding at me, constantly, telling me that this story is the one that needs to be written.

So I guess today my advice is to surrender to whatever story it is that moves you, even if it's not the one you wish would do so. If you find yourself with writer's block, maybe put it away for a while. Or a year. Or ten. And see what story really wants to be told right now.

It's possible, I think, to come back to a story you wanted to write and breathe new life into it. Maybe it just wasn't the right time the first time around. I hope that's the case with the novel I wasn't able to finish, anyway. But I guess all I can do is wait and see.

Writing, in Sickness and in Health

So I spent a frustrating five hours asleep on my couch today. I woke up this morning with a sore throat and aches, and had so much fatigue that I just couldn't function when I tried to sit down and do my work. So, lucky for me (as a freelance writer), I decided to take the day off and rest.

And now here I am writing a blog, even though I'm aching and tired. Because my writing has gotten to the point where it's like this little toddler tugging at my skirt. It wants attention. It wants to be done. It needs to be done.

I'm excited about this latest development actually, because I've never been able to focus my attention on anything for very long. It's part of the reason I love to write, because all of my projects require me to learn new things to complete them.

Right now I've got a book that's due to be finished. I set a writing deadline for myself, as I wrote about before, which I think was a really great thing to do. And even though I couldn't get any freelance work done today and I've had yet to work on my book, I did succumb to the urge to write even in sickness today. Here's what I did:

1. I finalized my book cover back copy, which I sort of wrote on a whim last night. I suppose I can always edit it later but I like it for the most part right now.
2. I talked to my graphic designer about my book cover and got the ball rolling on that.
3. I looked at formatting options for my text and, with my designer's help, picked a template I think will work nicely.
4. I publicized all of the above activity on both my website and on social media for the reading pleasure of the masses.

So I'd say, between all of that and this blog right here, I'm still having a productive writing day. But you know what I'll do now? That's actually a really good question. I may pick up the latest novel I'm reading (11/22/63 - it's fantastic), or maybe I'll go to sleep.

Or maybe, like last night, I'll find myself writing even when I hadn't intended to do so. It's just the way it goes, right?

Why I Dislike Writers' Critique Groups

Here's a challenge for my fellow writers: look up your local writers' critique group and scan through the submissions. And tell me if you can find a single positive comment on any work from any author at any time. And let's say you can...is it maybe five percent of the comments? Two percent? Less than one percent?

Am I cynical about these groups? Maybe. But I've participated in critique groups from time to time, although mostly I've done a lot of watching. And what I notice is that people will pick anything apart that they can find. This word is bad, that word should be changed, well don't use a comma there, oh don't phrase it that way.

And I'm all for constructive criticism. I think it's absolutely necessary and very beneficial to us writers.

But I also find it hard to believe that of all the writers out there, of all the writing I've seen, of all the writing of all time, that nobody ever says, "You know what, that's pretty good. I like it."

If Stephen King posted to one of these groups, I have to wonder how badly his work would be picked apart just like the rest of them. Actually I'm pretty sure I already know the answer. But perhaps this is why he uses a group of hand picked beta readers when he finishes his work.

I think my blog post today is just to express some frustration about all that. Because as a writer I really want to have good outlets for constructive criticism.

But I already know these groups will always find something wrong. Even if nothing is wrong. Because they will find something. It's the only option they have, it seems, even if there's nothing to find.

So for now, I'll stick to beta readers and my editor. And I think that's good enough for me.

Writing Is Scary

Today I'm here to say this: writing is scary. It's not really the writing process that's scary so much as the releasing process. You know, the part where you let it go and let other people read it. And here's why:

• It's personal to you.
• You might get criticized.
• It might be hated.
• It might be loved.
• You might make someone mad.
• Etc. etc., por fin, amen. 

Really the list goes on and on.

I have so many things I want to write about, a list so long that even if I wrote furiously every second of every day for the rest of my life I'd never get it all down. And yet most days I spend hours sitting and staring at a blank screen. Because I'm scared.

And when I get scared it's like stacking cinder blocks between the creative part of my brain and my fingertips. Nothing gets by, the blocks don't budge, I'm stuck on a road with no outlet.

So how do we, as writers, overcome this fear? Well I think sometimes we just don't. We fight through it is more what we do. We force ourselves to live in the moment, let go of the what ifs, and kick those cinder blocks out of the way with Herculean effort. Day after day after day.

And then when the moment comes to release your creation to be read...well, it's scary as hell.

But then you remember that all the good stuff in life involves risk. And if you're to affect this world positively in any way through what you wrote, then you've got to learn to let it go.

I recently let chapter 1 of my book go to some beta readers. And there's nothing that shakes your confidence more than finally letting your baby go. Because you don't know what's going to come.

But you know what? It's ok. I'll be afraid, and I'll ride that feeling. And I'll take any feedback I receive as constructive and I'll work on improving my craft.

Because writing is a craft, isn't it? And don't we all have to risk failing a little bit before we can create a masterpiece?

Creating a Writing Space

I've never been one to cater to the idea of having a defined space where I go to do my writing. I do have a desk in a corner of the dining room where I've established my home office. This, I had decided somewhere along the line, was a necessity. Sort of like having a cubicle in a corporate office.

But when it comes to my personal writing I never really had a set space.

Introducing: The Second Bedroom

Right now I'm sitting in a room that I've begun fixing up, with the intention for it to moonlight as a writing and reading space. It's our second bedroom that we've completely neglected since we moved in here a year ago.

This room was our own personal dumping ground for the stuff we might want to save for a house someday, or didn't quite want to part with, or didn't have display space or storage for. When two adults in their thirties move in together there is bound to be a lot of duplicate stuff and excess crap.

Well all that crap went into the second bedroom. My living room furniture included.

So this weekend I decided I'd had enough of this ugly space. I had tried to use it once or twice last week as a quiet escape to work on my book. And it was a fail. The energy was just...bad. How can you feel good (or inspired) when surrounded by mess?

Letting Go Of Old Dreams

I had this silly dream of someday buying myself a fluffy white chair and ottoman to go in this room, and I'd envision myself sinking into the cushions with a good book and a cat or two. And then I'd get a simple little wooden writing desk to set by the window where I could work on my latest novel.

I'd do this, I told myself, with the proceeds from my first book or from some windfall of freelance work that might fall from the sky. But then I took a look at the calendar (I'm not getting any younger and the financial windfall was nowhere to be seen), and I realized that I have a good space available. So why not put it to use now?

So I cleaned out the junk, I turned an old dresser into a display table for picture frames, I hung artwork that meant something to me on the wall above the sofa. I put a box sign on an adjacent wall about living your dreams, and I hung a pretty painting of a misty forest above the newly displayed picture frames.

And to the side, by the window, I hung up a plaque with the Ten Commandments. I had given it to my grandmother years ago and, as happens in life, it found its way back to me upon her death. It makes me think of her.

Presenting: My Writing Space

So there we have it. A newly created space that makes me smile when I walk in.

And I write.

I look up from time to time and I see pictures of people I love. I see a painting my best friend made for me of my cat watching me from heaven, a painting my husband made for me of a city skyline, and a painting of two intertwined black and white cats that I bought in Barcelona on our honeymoon.

And by golly, I like this idea of creating a writing space. It feels good in here.

And I've learned that the writing space doesn't have to look like whatever it was you had pictured in your head. After all, I'm still sitting on my nine year old, stained, battered, kitty trodden couch. But what it does have to do is feel good. And that's all you need.

Do you have a writing space?

Why You Need to Edit

There are people out there who subscribe to the idea that editing kills a creative flow. That it destroys the author's original message, or that it somehow tarnishes the work. Well I'm here to say that not editing is what destroys your message and kills your work. In fact, it's just about the worst possible thing you can do as a writer.

There is a reason that sitting down and "just writing" is called stream of consciousness writing. It's a very creative art form but it's also usually not very good, and often makes sense only to the person who let it flow out onto the page.

The problem is that (in my opinion) most of our writing originates in stream of consciousness writing. Think about it. We sit down, we write, and we put onto paper what's in our heads. It's how we get out of our own way and allow our creativity to shine through.

But the problem comes when you don't go back and look at that writing. Writing is a craft, after all, and that means there are certain conventions that need to be followed. If nothing else the writing needs to be error free and follow some sort of flow. Even better is, well, making sure it actually makes sense to someone else and that it says what you intended for it to say.

If you can't step back and look at your writing objectively because you don't want to risk "destroying" your work, then there is a good chance that one of the following things will happen:

• The writing will be full of problems
• The writing will be unreadable to anyone but you
• The writing will not tell the story you wanted to tell
• The writing will be labeled as crap, and nobody will read it

I don't think I'm going out on a limb when I say that editing usually makes or breaks a book. It's the same for any kind of writing - the first draft is never good enough to publish. Ever. Period.

Now there are varying shades of good and bad. Some first drafts come out in a flash of brilliance and are almost there from the start. But some are so far away from readable that they need to be completely rewritten.

All first drafts are called first drafts because they need editing.

As I've looked through some books by indie authors I can tell very quickly who edited their work and who didn't. And it's those people who give the rest of us a bad name by publishing material that nobody would have even looked at 15 years ago. But maybe that's my personal beef as a professional writer who really works hard on her craft. I don't know.

The point of this post is...edit! Edit if you want your work to be good. Edit if you want your work to be understood. Edit if you want your work to be bought and read. Just edit. Having our work read and understood is the reason we all write, isn't it?

Sometimes You Just Gotta Set a Writing Deadline

So I did something to myself this weekend. I put myself on a writing deadline to get my book finished. To elaborate: I talked to my editor, we discussed her schedule, and I put myself down for mid-September. Which means my book has to be done by then.

I may have stressed myself out a little bit.

Up until now I had been very leery of giving myself a deadline for my creative work. Will it stifle me? Will I get stuck? Will I freak out?

But then I decided that if I wanted to actually get it done, I needed to give myself a deadline just like I do with my freelance work. Because let's be honest, the projects that have open deadlines are the ones that almost always succumb to procrastination. It's so easy to just dilly dally around and sort of "get to it when you have time" rather than sit down and pump it out.

And I didn't want to give myself further permission to stall.

I hadn't been very strict with myself up to this point when it came to writing schedules or word count goals. I just worked on it when I felt like it, or when the mood struck, or when I had nothing else going on. And while I was actually working on my manuscript several days a week, overall that's not a great way to get something important accomplished is it?

Setting a deadline will force me to work my tail off to get that book done and submitted to my editor by September 15 no matter what I have to do. No matter if I have to work long hours, no matter if I have to work into the evenings, no matter if I'm tired, no matter if I'm frustrated.

Am I scared? Yes. I spent two hours editing today and only made it through seven pages. Am I feeling the pressure? Absolutely. The only job of a deadline is to put pressure on the person who has to meet it.

But is it a good thing? I think so. A dream only becomes a reality when you set goals, and I think that's what I've done now. So I feel like I'm one step closer to achieving it than I was before.

But maybe ask me how I feel in August if I'm still toiling away on page 148 and can't get it all together. I'll either fall completely apart and run away screaming, or I'll get it together and pump it out by my deadline (more likely).

I'm looking forward to a rewarding summer and a finished book this fall.

Writer = Tortured Soul?

So to start this post on a bright note (heh) there are plenty of writers who proved to the world, once and for all, that they were tortured souls. A few famous writers come to mind: Ernest Hemingway, Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath.

Which begs the question:

• Are good writers tortured souls?

Which then begs a second question:

• Are they supposed to be?

I think for me, the writer = tortured soul concept has some merit worth discussing. I definitely feel like I've experienced just about everything (good and bad) there is to experience on this earth. And that's a good thing because it makes me empathetic, wise, and better able to understand people as a whole. All of this stuff all flows into my writing.

But it's also bad because I do fit the mold in some ways, meaning I do still have demons I struggle with. So from time to time I might find myself overcome by self-doubt, or hiding out in bed staring at the wall, or listening to the angry voice of my mother echoing in my head. And all of these things hinder me from moving forward in my work.

And while it's true that pain produced most of my good writing in the past, it's also true that torment isn't an essential ingredient for me anymore. Most days I actually feel pretty darn good on the whole, so I'm far from a Hemingway and I'm certainly nowhere near a Plath (she killed herself at age 30). And I still feel like I produce some good stuff here and there.

So I guess when it comes to the idea that "good writer must equal tortured soul", I don't think that's necessarily true.

But here's what I do think is true. I think a good writer has to have a certain amount of life experience (firsthand experience) to produce good material. Without it they can't create the intense characters, situations, and emotions that weave in and out of great literature.

But what do you think? Are most good writers tortured souls at heart?

Finding Your Muse/Inspiration

Today I've come to the conclusion that my muse lies in a coffee cup. And it's not coffee that's in there (I don't drink that stuff) but rather my homemade chai.

I think as a writer we'll take inspiration in whatever form it comes. It may take a while to figure out what does it for us, but once we find something that works we stick with it. Well I'm sticking with a warm cup of chai.

Whenever I'm stuck or don't want to get moving, I peel and grate some ginger, grind my spices using a mortar and pestle, and in about 15 minutes I've got the best milky tea drink on the planet steaming out of my cup. And a few sips later I'm off and running. It's like magic.

Chai isn't my only source. I find that if I spend my insomniac moments thinking about my creative work, often times something will materialize along the way. I also get inspired by nature, or by feelings, or sometimes while soaking in a hot bath. Or sometimes it's just the time of day (evening, usually).

I also get inspired by things I read (I wrote about emulating other authors yesterday) and that's perfectly groovy too. In fact, I'm finding that picking up someone else's book is a great way to figure out how to edit my own work.

What inspires you? Is it a person? A thing? A feeling? A time of day?

Emulating What You Read

Every professional writer will argue that to be a writer you must also be a reader. You simply can't be a non-reader. It's just not acceptable. It doesn't work.

And here's why.

Everything in life is learned from a teacher. That teacher could be your parent, your school teacher, your boss, your coach, or your significant other. In the case of writers, that teacher could also be an author whose novel you read.

One of the things I think good writers need to do is to ask questions of what they read.

• Is it engaging? Why?
• Does it suck? Why?
• Is it hard to read? Why?
• Does it feel shallow? Why?

And then when you figure out what does work, you can emulate it. Just as you would do as a student of any discipline in life.

I think there's no shame in trying to emulate an author (or authors) whose reading you very much enjoy. Because sometimes that process will lead to a light bulb moment of sorts.

Case in point: I'm reading a Stephen King book right now. I've never read any of his fiction but I did read his autobiography, On Writing, and was enthralled. I am equally enthralled by this book and I've spent some time analyzing why that is.

And today I went back and started the editing process over, AGAIN, on my memoir. And I tried to emulate some of what I'd figured out. And you know what? I feel like the new material is actually good now. I read it and it captures me in a way that it didn't before.

So to all of my writing friends out there, make sure you're a voracious reader first. And while you don't have to constantly analyze what you're reading (let's face it, sometimes you just want to read without thinking - analyzing constantly was exhausting in college), sometimes it pays to step back and look at the craft.

And there, you have your teacher. Simple as that.

Finding a Story's Direction

I had one of those eureka!, aha!, wow! moments a couple of days ago when I was meticulously editing my book. I had been really frustrated up to that point. I was only about 30 pages in with my edits (and had edited and edited) and I still couldn't get it to where I wanted it to be.

And I came to the end of a chapter and decided that it had ended too abruptly. Something was missing. And in an effort to fill it in, I wrote:

And so with this new curiosity I began an interesting journey through learning about yoga, loving yoga, hating yoga, and everything in between. And it all started with a crazy and totally left field idea to become a yoga teacher.

Bam! Pow! Right there! There was my story. In a completely blind moment I had finally figured out the story I was actually trying to tell. And all of those frustrating cuts of massive amounts of text were because what I had written simply didn't tell the story.

I think there are some writers whose characters run away from them and go off on tangents. Then there are other writers who have five different perspectives and can't figure out which one they're really going for. And then there are others, like me, who think of a base something (idea, character, topic) and then have trouble fleshing it out.

So when it comes to finding a story's direction, I'm not convinced that it's always there from the beginning. And I think that sometimes figuring it out is left to the gods - it'll come when it comes, the end.

For my part I was relieved to finally find a solid direction because then I have something more concrete to edit against. I can go along and ask myself: Does this contribute to the story? Does it tell the story? Or does it tell a different story?

Edit, cut, re-write. The life of a writer. It's definitely hard work!

Editor's Block?

I think I'm suffering from something I've decided to term editor's block. That being, I can't make myself sit and do my editing work on my book.

And it's not that I don't know what to do. I've got at least a dozen pages marked up in red and ready to be edited. Like right this second if I were to decide to do it. Which I haven't, because I'm writing this blog instead and trying to formulate other ways to procrastinate.

I've determined that I think I'm blocking myself on purpose because I'm afraid of moving forward. Afraid of finishing. Afraid it will be all for naught. Because as long as I don't have anything finished, and as long as I'm not engaging in that whole editing process, I can't really judge it can I? And herein is where I make myself stuck.

Because what happens if my judgment, real or imaginary, says that it just sucks? Then what?

When you identify yourself as a writer and make it a huge part of your life purpose, facing up to your work to see if you deserve that title is a really scary thing to do. And it's such a hugely personal thing that it's almost like taking a close look at yourself to see if you're really worth anything at the end of the day.

But by golly, says I, I will not succumb to editor's block and fear of failure! I will read my last blog post about finding time to write (the wine failed that night, by the way), and I will pick something from that list, and I will just do it like Nike.

Writing is a hard profession. For some people words flow out really easily (that even applies to me a lot of the times). But the words aren't always good, and that's true of everyone. And when the words need to be fixed (which is almost all of the time), editing can be a really challenging experience as you grapple with stuff like: How can this be fixed? Should I even bother? Is this any better? Is it worse? I can't tell anymore.

But how will I ever figure it out if I'm too scared to look? Anyone else have this problem?

Finding Time to Write - The Fun Stuff, That Is

Today I'm writing about the problem of finding time to write. And I'm talking about the fun stuff - your personal creative work.

If you are a writer by day (or if you work in any kind of profession that requires your brain power Monday through Friday) it can sometimes be hard to find the motivation or the time to knock out your short story, poem, or the next chapter of your novel. Heck it can even be hard to find time to write a tiny little ole blog post.

So today I'm going to give myself some ideas for getting it done. Some of these have been proven to work for me, and some of them have yet to be tested. Here's what I've got:

1. Make a cup of chai. It seems to have the power to rev up a completely dead writing brain.
2. Drink some wine. Alcohol can make me relaxed enough to churn something out. Too much, however, and I've got a blubbering mess.
3. Get out a timer. Saying "ok, just spend 10 minutes writing something" is doable right?
4. Make a schedule. Maybe if I decided I wanted to be done with my project by a certain date, I could backtrack and keep myself in check?
5. Take a nap. Sometimes it's better to just not do anything. Because paradoxically it can make you do something when you wake up.
6. Write about nothing. Like I'm sorta doing right now. Maybe someone will find this post interesting, or maybe they won't. But hey, I'm writing.
7. Carve out some unconventional time. I don't usually write on Saturdays, for instance. But maybe if I'm home I just ought to try.
8. Pet a cat. It's another distraction. Distractions can be good...or bad. It's worth a try.
9. Look at your bank account. Even if only one person buys your stuff, the prospect of having some income someday for your work should be motivating, right?
10. Make a public declaration of your goal. If you say to the world that you're going to do something by a certain time, well by golly it's suddenly quite shameful if you don't.

Ok so what will I try today? I did #1 already (making chai) and that got me moving on my freelance work. So maybe tonight I'll try wine. Mostly because I feel like having a glass anyway. Heh. 

And if that fails I'll look at my bank account. Viewing my checking account balance usually has me writing before I can even log out.

The Power of Visualization

So I was watching a YouTube clip this morning of Jim Carrey talking about the power of visualization when it comes to realizing your dreams. And then Oprah followed up with some commentary on how we have to visualize and then release it, and let it go. And then I got sucked into a clip of Will Smith talking about work ethic and determination, and how your thoughts are the biggest driver of your success (or lack of it) in life.

And that got me thinking about whether or not I'm using visualization enough (or at all) when it comes to my writing.

I'm an aspiring novelist and have been for many years. And instead of spending my time visualizing that goal, I spent a lot of that time focusing on my fears. Fears of inadequacy, fears of rejection, fears of never accomplishing that thing I was setting out to do.

And what good does that serve me, really? What energy am I putting out there and how is it going to materialize?

When I set out to become a freelance writer and grow my own business, I actually did spend quite a bit of time visualizing myself just as I wanted to be - a successful freelance writer, with my own business, and my own schedule, and a life that I felt in charge of. And with enough money to at least pay my bills.

And what am I now? A successful freelance writer, with my own business, and my own schedule, and a life I feel in charge of. And I somehow have enough money to pay my bills.

So today my goal is to begin shifting some of my energy towards visualizing myself as a successful novelist, too. Because I think half of the battle is just believing it can happen for you. Believing you can do it. Believing that what you set out to do will materialize.

And then once you put it out there to the universe, perhaps the universe can begin the process of making it a reality. Because if you read enough about the power of thinking, you learn just how much your own thoughts can influence the course of your life - both in your reaction to the things that happen to you, and in actually altering the types of life events that come your way.

So today, I visualize myself as a successful novelist. And the funny thing is that as I sit here and visualize, I find myself becoming less afraid of failure and more motivated to sit down and write. And not only ready, but eager, to face that scary process of cutting words from my manuscript to make it better.

And you know what? That's one step closer to my dreams than I was yesterday!

Editing. Er, Chucking. Ouch.

Last night I was editing the second and third chapters of my book, An Offbeat Path Through Yoga. I was working my way through my first round of red pen edits, where I examine the text from a 10,000 foot level and mark up glaring problems, pacing issues, and major grammar oopsies.

And last night I decided that sometimes editing should instead be called chucking. Because sometimes you look at the text every which way, tilting your head, scribbling in the margins, and then you finally say, "You know what? This just needs to be totally cut out."

And ouch, ooh, yuck. It hurts to throw away words!

I would raise an eyebrow at anyone who says the chucking process doesn't at least invoke a mild internal grimace. Because at this point you realize you have nothing to actually edit. It's just bad, and so bad that it needs to go.

Now cutting chunks of words out doesn't mean that the work as a whole sucks. I think it's important to try to figure out what story you're actually trying to tell, because there are so many stories and it can be easy to lose focus. And sometimes this means cutting out the wrong story so you can focus on the right one.

So the silver lining of it all is that you can redeem yourself as a writer for being intelligent and insightful enough to know what needs to go. Because who wants to publish a bunch of rubbish? I surely don't. And if the painful chucking process gets me closer to where I need to be, then I'll push forward and rip it apart.

A fellow writer told me, when I was afraid to begin the editing process, that I shouldn't worry about it. Because if for whatever reason it sucks, well, you can just edit it until it doesn't. And I think he has a good point.

So how do you feel about cutting chunks of words out of your drafts? Is it easy for you? Hard? Exciting? Please do share!

Life Affects Writing? Why Yes, It Does!

It's been a couple of days since I wrote a post, and that's because my personal life has been extraordinarily stressful. Which led me to think about how your life affects your writing, and how it evolves over the years (or decades).

It's not always the negative stuff that causes changes (or problems) though. I think changes in writing or battles with writer's block are a result of the natural course of personal evolution. As you become more wise, your writing changes. As you experience something new, your writing changes. As you experience loss, your writing changes or stops for a while.

All of life's experiences can be absolutely wonderful for your creativity or can be completely writer's block-inducing. Perhaps this is why writers say they need to be inspired by something in order to write.

What inspires you? What blocks you? Is it a feeling? A place? An event?

And then there are those dichotomies. Deep pain is often my biggest catalyst for some of my very best writing. But then deep pain can also make me sink further into writer's block than just about anything else on the planet. It's funny how that works.

I guess the trick, then, is learning to recognize those things (or feelings or settings) in your life that either inspire you or block you. And then figuring out how to maneuver around them or harness them into something productive.

I think the ability to maneuver and adapt can only come through practice. And living. And more practice. And then a fierce determination to just do. To just write. Without self-judgment. Because it's your dharma, as we say in yoga. Your purpose. The thing you were meant to spend your life doing.

As Forrest Gump said, "That's all I have to say about that." Happy writing!

Writing, And The Fear That It's Crap

So as I wrote in a blog post a couple of days ago, I finished a first draft of my book this past weekend. And it was quite an accomplishment for me after two unsuccessful attempts prior to this one.

But after the elation passed and I realized I'd have to look at what I actually wrote, I sort of became paralyzed. Although not exactly immediately.

Initially I picked up my big red pen with an almost frenzied eagerness. When the ink sputtered, I got out my trusty candle lighter to burn the tip and make it flow again. And I got down to it.

And I smiled. I smiled a lot to be honest. And started marking up that text left and right, up and down, scribbling in the margins and crossing out sections. But despite all the red, at no time did my inner critic question my sense of pride or my writing abilities.

But then I stopped. And I didn't look at it for two days after that, paralyzed by some weird unknown that was preventing me from even looking at this piece of writing I had worked so hard to create. I simply couldn't muster up the (guts? courage? energy?) to go near it.

And at some point during that time my mind drifted back to my college professor. I forget his name, and I don't want to remember. I studied English in college and only elected to take one creative writing class during my entire stint as an English major. And it was a poetry class.

We had to write 8 poems over the course of the semester, one every two weeks or so, and turn them in to be evaluated. I hadn't attempted to write fiction since I was a kid, tapping away at the word processor on the floor of the spare bedroom. And this was a writing class that I approached with quite a bit of anxiety and trepidation, already feeling like I was a failure before I had even started.

And when it turned out that the professor just hated, I mean hated, everything I wrote, I think something was altered in my psyche. It was to the point where he would use my work every other week as an example of how not to write. And after maybe five poems, I finally made an appointment to confront him about it.

"Why do you keep using my work, week after week, as your sample of bad writing?"

"What do you mean?"

"Every single time we turn in our work, and we're discussing it the following week as a class, you always use mine as your sample for the worst work that was turned in. Why are you singling me out like this? I'm trying my hardest. What do I have to do to get an A in the class?"

He looked at me, probably looking through me really. You see, his wife had hung herself from their ceiling fan so I knew he had a few issues. But it didn't matter, because he was a published poet and in his mind my writing was crap. And somehow, that meant his opinion was valid.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was doing that."

I looked him right in the eye, lasers, daggers, whatever you want them to be.

"Just keep doing your best. I will make sure to not do that."

And I turned and walked out.

And here I am more than a decade later, looking at this completed draft of a book. And knowing that it's my third attempt because I was convinced the first two were absolute crap. And I can't help but wonder how much of that mindset is due to this professor. This professor who instilled a fear in me of trying to create, and of showing my work to the world, and who convinced me that I was a paltry writer with no hope for redemption.

Of course I'm in my thirties now and I know that all writing is subjective. And to be honest, I thought his work was crap, because he made us listen to him recite it at readings. It was dark, weird, twisted, and disturbing. But then I guess I can see why that was the case.

But I think all artists have a deep fear that their work isn't good enough, don't you? The problem is when someone actively comes out and stokes those fears until they have burned down the entire building. If you know what I mean.

But I am not to be overcome by fears. Not when I could be halfway through my life and I still have a lot that I want to accomplish - writing a book being one of those. So last night I got out my red pen again and I finished working through Chapter One. And then I whipped out my laptop and started editing.

And I told myself that all will be ok, just work. Just keep working, keep writing. Fear is normal. The best thing to do is to keep at it, believe in yourself, and not let others' opinions paint your reality. Because that's their reality, not yours. And everything is subjective.

PSA: Email Subscription is Now Working

I like to think that maybe somebody, at some point, tried to subscribe to my blog. Whether or not that's actually true, well I'll let myself hold onto my wishful thinking.

But for anyone who has tried unsuccessfully to subscribe in the past, the "Subscribe by Email" link is now working! I try to publish 5 or 6 posts a week. So sign on up if you want to hear my ramblings on a regular basis.

Cheers!

Eat, Surf the Net, Make Chai, Take a Walk, and Oh Yeah...Write

Oh, the creative process. Sometimes I feel like the creative process for me is some sort of mysterious non-existent thing that happens while I'm doing other more concrete things. Things like eating, surfing the next, making chai, or taking a walk (as my blog post title indicated).

Hence becomes the frustrating part of being a writer - the writing part. And I chuckle to myself as I write this, because this is also the most enjoyable part of being a writer! I guess I should rephrase it to "getting started writing."

On any particular day I waste an exorbitant amount of time doing not much of anything, and trying to motivate myself to do that writing thing that I love so much. And it's annoying sometimes (like right now), and disappointing at other times (why can't I just do it like Nike?).

But I've also come to realize that this is just how my creative process works. I write in spurts and always have. That means I spend long amounts of time not doing a whole lot, and then I sit down to write and it's like my fingers can't keep up with my overflowing thoughts. I go into this sort of meditative state where, I suppose, everything that was churning in my brain while I was doing those mindless activities decides to reveal itself.

I don't think I'm alone in this dilemma. I think a lot of artists have a similarly difficult time actually sitting down and doing what it is that they do. I think we are the best procrastinators on the planet!

But I also think this is just part of the deal, either for me or for writers and artists in general. And when I tried to explain to my bosses back in corporate that I work in spurts, and just can't work for 8 hours straight every day and therefore need the freedom to piddle around a little bit, they'd often look at me with a combination of confusion and incredulity. Never mind that I always got my work done ahead of deadlines.

Pfft.

And so this morning I have eaten, surfed the net, grabbed a Dr. Pepper (let's face it, here in Texas it's just too hot some days for chai), attempted a walk/run (did I mention it's hot here? I was thwarted 10 minutes after I started by the Texas humidity), and now I'm writing a blog. Is it what I need to be doing? No. I need to be editing my book, or writing up a media segment, or otherwise doing some paying projects.

But that will come. Later this afternoon. After I've dilly dallied around a little bit longer.

The Best Way To Edit: Screen or Paper?

Yee haw! It's time to start the editing process for your first draft. So the question is, do you tap on your keys or reach for a pen?

I've found in my freelance work that I need to look at my copy in a different light in order to edit it. That means I need to move it over to a different format, whether it's a PDF version or a printout, or in the case of a blog post I put it in preview mode.

So as I sat here staring at this massive thing called a book manuscript, my first inclination was to print it out. Which I did. But then I started wondering if this is really the way I want to attack it.

Because although I've written millions of words (literally) in my career, I've never been in the position of editing a book. A user manual? Sure. But that type of document is so very different from what I have in front of me.

And I guess it comes down to what you are editing for. Maybe if you're editing for overall structure and to fill in large gaps, printing it out and taking pen to paper is probably worthwhile.

But then maybe once you get into the nitty gritty of copy editing you'll want to edit in the soft copy, because let's be honest...who wants to mark up typos and grammar issues and then go through and fix them on the screen? It's like repeating the process, and who has time for that? But then the question becomes whether or not you can really catch everything while looking at a screen (this is the point of printing it out).

As I think through it further, perhaps the best way to go about editing is to do some sort of hybrid of the two. Maybe you read the printed out version and make notes, while simultaneously typing up major rewrites or fixing typos in the live document. And then maybe when you're done, you can go back and compare and see what you've got.

So maybe that's where I'll start for now, and see where it takes me.

Do you have a method for editing your work? Please share it in the comments!

The Thrill (and Fear) of Finishing a First Draft

So yesterday, May 31, I finished a first draft of my first book. This was not my first attempt at writing a book, however. It was actually my third attempt. And because of that there is a certain amount of deserved elation with finally finishing a full draft.

So I spent most of yesterday allowing my brain to jump up and down, and to imagine the possibilities of what may be coming later this year (that being a finished book that someone might actually read!).

But there's also a certain amount of fear that flows with the feelings of pride and accomplishment.

Is it any good?
What if it totally sucks?
Does it make any sense?
Is there a story there?

After spending months of your life working on something as deep as a book, it's a little bit scary to think about actually going back and reading what you wrote. Because when you've allowed yourself to just spill words onto a page without analyzing as you go (which is what I had to do to finally get this draft done and out of my head), then you're left in some darkness about what you just spent the last few months writing about.

Not total darkness, I guess. But it does feel like you'll be reading it for the first time. And let's be honest, you kind of are. Writing your writing and reading your writing don't really happen at the same time. Not if you want to accomplish anything on your first draft anyway.

And so with thrill and fear I have sent my manuscript to Kinkos (ok well they call themselves FedEx now) to print out so I can look at it with completely fresh eyes. And a red pen. And make notes about what works and what doesn't.

But even though my anxiety is quite high, it's not high enough to replace the excitement of actually finishing a draft after two failed attempts. What a ride! May that excitement carry me through the editing and revision process, and help me stay positive and encouraged about the story I'm trying to tell.

Setting: Are You Saying Enough? Or Too Much?

Outside of my window sits a green bush.

Outside of my window sits a round, green bush.

Outside of my window sits a round, green bush with the evening sunlight hitting its leaves and the remnants of half-eaten sunflower seed beneath its shadows.

Ok...so I started this blog post with three random sentences. About a bush. Outside my window. Exciting, right?

But it was really an exercise for myself to see how I can better describe setting. Because I find that I'm out of practice (ok maybe I just plain suck at it) and that I often just don't say enough about place.

Being a technical writer for so many years means my first inclination is to write something like the first sentence. It's concise and to the point, using the least amount of words possible.

But then that sentence doesn't really tell you anything does it? There's a bush outside the window, but I don't know anything about said bush (except that it's green) or why I even care about it.

So then I said well ok, it's round. Which is true, sure. I've got a better picture of the bush now - it's not some gigantic bush that splats along the side of the house and completely covers the window. But beyond that, can I really see the bush in my mind's eye? And again, why do I care?

So then I took some time and wrote sentence number three. And I re-wrote it about five times, adding more information to it until I not only had a bush, but I had a time of day (evening), I had an indication of the weather (sunny, not cloudy), and I had a hint at life (from birds eating the sunflower seeds beneath the branches).

I could have added even more description about the bush...perhaps the breeze blowing the leaves, or the slight variations in color from light to dark green, or the thin branches that seem to come from no main trunk in particular. But that's where you stop and say to yourself, does it really matter?

So I guess the point of this post, for me, is to learn how to say enough about setting to convey what matters, but to also be conscious of not dribbling on and on about a bush. Especially when I have more important things to say.

Do you have any tricks for writing about setting? How do you find that balance between not saying enough, and saying too much?

"Write What You Know." Are You Sure?

There is an old adage that says you should write what you know. I used to teach this to my kids when I taught 5th grade language arts, and I've told it to myself many times in the past. Heck I even wrote a blog post on here about it.

But this idea poses two different questions for me:

• Do I really have to only write about what I know?
• And what do I actually know?

Argument 1

So to the first question...only writing about what you know. I would pose this argument in response: If someone is creating a character who is a murderer, but they (meaning the author) aren't a murderer or haven't been murdered (obviously), do they really know what it means to be a murderer?

You could argue that maybe the author was friends with a murderer at some point in their lives, or had a murderer as a relative and therefore was exposed to their behavior. Ok. So for the sake of continuing the argument let's move on to a different genre altogether.

Now I'm going to write a novel about a fictional universe that I made up in my head, with a new life form known as Kozonauts, and it'll be a groovy narrative about their space adventures.

Do I really know about this fantasy world or its fictional characters? No, not really. They are a figment of my imagination, so how could I? So why can't we imagine other non-fantasy scenarios and fill in the gaps with research? Can we not be good storytellers by gaining knowledge first?

I argue that we can. We just have to take the time to learn so that our writing comes across as authentic.

Argument 2

Now to the second question...what do I actually know? Have you ever sat down and thought about what you actually know? I hadn't, until recently.

We think we know a lot about a certain subject, or a certain type of people, or a certain life scenario. These are usually the big things that stand out in our lives (a traumatic event, a field of study, a career path, a relationship). But what about all the little minutia that's hanging around and still makes up the fabric of our experiences?

For example:

• What about the interaction you had with the doctor with the bad bedside manner, and the frustration you felt about his lack of empathy?
• What about the time you lost your wallet and were frantic about your bank account, your credit cards, and your identity?
• What about the time you tried to follow a cool new recipe and what resulted was completely inedible, and you went out for pizza instead?

I think that as writers we forget that we actually know a lot. A whole lot! We just have forgotten the things that we know because they are covered by the bigger events of our memory.

So perhaps as writers we need to learn to reach further back into the depths of our memory and life experiences, thereby expanding our idea of what it is that we actually know. And whatever is left to figure out, well, that's what research is for.

What do you think? Do you subscribe to the notion of only "writing what you know" or do you find its boundaries to be fuzzy?

Choosing Point of View: Conscious or Unconscious?

Have you ever sat back and examined the point of view you gravitate towards in your writing? Or do you fly all over the map and just pick the one that suits your fancy?

I was reading this great book last night (called Making Shapely Fiction, if you're interested) and came to the section on point of view. Of course I know all about point of view from high school English classes and from being an English major in college. But I'm not sure if I ever took that knowledge and applied it to myself, and analyzed what I do in my own work.

I've attempted to write three books now, with the third one finally working (hurrah!). Two were non-fiction (memoir) and one was fiction. Of course with the memoirs I wrote in first person. I think there's something strange going on in your psyche if you try to write a memoir from a different viewpoint!

But when I was working on my fiction novel I noticed I wrote it in third person. It wasn't anything I consciously decided on, it's just how the writing came out. And I never thought to look at it a different way.

So then that got me thinking about my other attempt at fiction, a short story called "The Painting." And I noticed that I'd written it in first person, again without making any conscious decision to do so. Which had me thinking about why.

And what I came up with was that this short story was very autobiographical in nature. So I suppose I chose to embody the character myself because I could do so very easily. My fiction novel was an attempt at making a story out of nothing and trying to not base it on my life. Whole different ball game.

So that left me wondering about point of view and how I'm making my choices - whether or not it's done consciously or unconsciously, and whether or not my choices are worth a fresh look.

As I move forward in my writing work, I've decided to step out of my comfort zone and try to embody a character that I've made up. And just see where that takes me. Or maybe instead I will try to separate myself more from a character who is based on my life, and see if that provides a new (and totally awesome) perspective.

The point is, I think I need to more objectively decide point of view instead of allowing my fear-of-failure psyche to choose it for me. Because maybe it would help me find the story I really want to tell.

Do you experiment with points of view? Have you found any patterns you can identify? What works for you?