Thursday, March 1, 2018

New Goals

My life is evolving day to day, week to week, month to month. I never know how I'm going to feel or what I can expect when I wake up in the morning, so I continuously evolve in my approach to life based on what I encounter on any given day.

I've been off work for a few weeks and except for a glorious day or two, I've spent most of it not feeling well and also fretting about finding meaningful work. I've wanted so badly to work on my book during this time but I've honestly had no physical or mental energy to carry it out. After going from doctor to doctor, and medical test to medical test, and applying for this job and that job, I just haven't had anything left to give. Not to a book. Not to this blog. Not to anything, really.

But being confined to the couch has given me some good time to think (not that I need more of that, although I guess I do if that's what's been given to me at this time in my life). I've sent pleading cries of desperation into the sky. I've stared at the wall in frustration. I've tried to figure out what actually makes my life meaningful on a day to day basis and what doesn't. Frankly it's been a long few weeks.

But I've started making some new goals for myself so that I can have something long-term to strive for:

  1. I still want to finish my book and someday write a few others. This is a deep goal that I will not let go of, but as I have always suspected, I can only write when the other parts of my life are more in alignment. That means when I have a better medication regimen, when I've got a new "normal" that at the very least isn't interrupted constantly by doctor visits and testing, and when I've got something meaningful to do to earn money and feel like I'm contributing to my marriage.
  2. I think I want to go into medical writing, which is not surprising considering how much I've gravitated toward healthcare companies over the last decade AND how much free time I spend reading medical publications now. I'm not sure how to make it happen yet but I've started turning it around in my brain as a the first step. I've also reached out to a couple of people and started doing some research, and I'm thinking I can worm my way in if I just am patient and work strategically.

While all that's been going on, I've had one job interview, which was nice after a big sea of "No" for the past nine months. It seemed to go pretty well and has left me hopeful. And although it wouldn't be my passion, it would be something to do that would make me feel useful, pay bills, and allow me to keep the doors of my writing business open until I got things figured out.

My other goals now are to just be content in my days as best I can. Maybe I can't walk outside sometimes, or go places, or eat, or socialize. Maybe I don't feel the way I used to feel and I often can't do the things that make me happiest. But I can still do some things, like read, and watch my favorite movies, and care for my rescue cats, and give my husband a hug. These are not big things but they are something, and I'm striving to be more grateful as best I can.

I don't have a nice way to wrap this up today so I'll just leave it there (I'm sure I could come up with something but my body is saying enough is enough). Until next time...

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