I Tried To Write Something

I tried to write something after another long break and I failed miserably. I wrote about two pages and closed the document.

I'm frustrated. I'm deflated. I'm not feeling well.

What am I ever going to be?

I say that I want to be a writer but I just can't seem to be one. I say that I'm good at what I do and then I pull out my keyboard and tap out nonsense. I say that I can finish my book but then I read my essays and close my eyes in disdain.

Being a writer is a really hard thing to be. I mean, maybe it's not hard for everyone but it is hard for a large percentage. I suppose I know how to write the things I'm good at - the things I've practiced for over 14 years in the business world. But personal things? Things that matter to me?

I suck.

I'm sitting here at my keyboard because I'm at a loss as to what to do with myself and with my time. I've got a myriad of health problems that are dragging me down constantly and I've given up hope on the job I thought was mine for the having.

I don't want to say I'm a failure because I'm not, really. But sometimes I don't know what to call the feelings I have inside.

I long to do something more, something "better." And yet I just don't have the talent and I know it. So what comes next for me? What do I do besides sit here, a ball of disease and frustration, wondering which door is finally going to open?

I tried to write something and I failed. But I did write this.