Writing Without Restriction

I've been thinking lately of picking up that book manuscript I finished before I got really sick. The one that was "done" enough to actually send to an editor. To be returned with red marks and some feedback for improvement, but not a "this really sucks ass, change course before you embarrass yourself for eternity."

But I can't seem to make myself open the file yet. I'm avoiding. I'm procrastinating. I'm tip-toeing around in fear. (Although to be fair I've only thought about it for a few days, so perhaps I'm being dramatic.)

I think part of the reason I haven't opened it is because I'm gathering the energy I need to tackle the work. And because I'm rewrite rusty.

For those who think writing is easy, ha! I laugh. I chuckle. I weep. It's simultaneously gratifying and absolutely exhausting when you've been doing it for more than 30 minutes. And trying to resolve problems in a 260 page, 65k word manuscript? It's more than daunting.

My counselor reminded me today that sometimes people work on books for years. And if that's the case, then I can slouch down in my chair and sip on my sparkling water. Because it's definitely been years.

Although during that time I've learned some important things about self-confidence, and seeking out your own unique contribution to the world, and being you, and being ok with whatever that is. So perhaps it's been non-writing time well spent. I think I'm just now starting to put it all into practice.

I started with rewriting parts of my business website yesterday, because what I had on my homepage just wasn't working. There was nothing special about it. There was nothing catchy about it. There was nothing particularly unique about it. And I decided to treat it like my personal creative work and see what might come out. I had nothing to lose, really, because I haven't scored any new business with what I've had available.

Up until now I'd tried to emulate other websites, other styles. Other things that seemed to be "successful" but honestly who really knows what's going on behind the scenes. And I just abandoned that need to conform and compete, to fit within a particular mold. I let the restrictions fly away in the wind and I just let myself write.

And I sat back at the end of it all, nodded, and liked it. I think it was the first time I've ever let my own ideas shine through without being contaminated by what already exists.

So maybe what I'm going to do as I move forward with my craft is to stop thinking so hard about what my writing should be and just try to keep writing the way I want to write. Because nobody enjoys reading something they've already read. Nobody seeks out a copy.

The first step with this book of mine is pulling out the manuscript, taking a look, and removing any restrictions in my psyche. Then I can grab a machete and either start all over, or clear out the weeds so something more beautiful can grow. Something that's truly all mine, that doesn't conform to what's considered "traditional" or "good."

Maybe I'll start tomorrow.

(Because this blog post was an absolute bear to write, which doesn't happen too often. I guess it was good preparation, eh?)